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You can't really tell from his photo, but Derek's 'goatee thing' is perfectly round. It looks like a hairy bagel until he opens his mouth; then it looks like a hairy bagel with severe periodontal disease.
I visited Derek's house once. I sat, with a group of other people who didn't want to be there, in the dark watching the movie Braveheart, while Derek declared, "Oooh, this is a good bit, watch this bit!" every two minutes.
On a party hosting scale of one to seventeen, pausing and rewinding moments during the battle scene eighty times because you read that an extra's wristwatch is visible for a fraction of a second, barely rates a two. If it wasn't for the fact that a previous employer once made me attend an Enjo Cleaning Products party at his apartment, the score would be lower.
From: Derek Russell
Date: Tuesday 5 June 2018 2.26pm
To: David Thorne and 26 others
Subject: GoFundMe
Hello all,
As you may have heard, our TV died Monday night. It's no longer under warranty and will cost more to fix than replace. I shopped around and the best price I could find for a replacement is $799.99. It's the same size Sony but a newer model because they don't make ours anymore.
This isn't in our budget at the moment so I set up a GoFundMe page to help with some of the cost. Any contribution you can make is appreciated and you're welcome to come over and watch it whenever you like.
The link is: <Link removed because fuck you Derek>
Thank you, Derek
From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 5 June 2018 2.40pm
To: Derek Russell
Subject: Re: GoFundMe
Dear Derek,
I'm sorry to hear about your television set and understand the need for immediate replacement. Braveheart nights at Derek's house won't be the same if it's just sitting around staring at the wall while you rattle a tin cup at people.
Although you own several other television sets and GoFundMe campaigns are generally created to raise money for education and medical expenses - not page 4 of the latest Best-Buy catalogue - I'm happy to help. GoFundMe won't accept amounts below $5 so I'll give you the money the next time I see you - possibly standing at an intersection holding a cardboard sign that reads, "New dining room suite and Jacuzzi tub needed."
Regards, David
From: Derek Russell
Date: Tuesday 5 June 2018 2.52pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: GoFundMe
You're not the boss of GoFundMe campaigns. I'm allowed to raise money for whatever the fuck I want.
And for your information, we have 1 TV, not several. The Vizio in the study was stolen and the Samsung in the dining room won't fit on the Sony mount in the family room. It's a completely different kind of mount.
Derek
From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 5 June 2018 3.43pm
To: Derek Russell
Subject: Re: Re: Re: GoFundMe
Derek,
I'm having a similar problem with the suction-cap phone mount in my car; my new phone doesn't fit and I can't afford a new vehicle so I just leave my phone at home now. I should probably just get a landline, we already have the plugs in our walls.
As an interim measure, have you considered mirrors? Placed at the right angle in several locations throughout the home, you'll be able to view the dining room television set from the family room. It will also give you plenty of warning of burglars. They may have taken your Vizio but they will never take your Samsung.
Regardless, I do accept you have the right to solicit money through GoFundMe for whatever purposes you choose. My astonishment at your audacity veered towards abashment and, as way of an apology, I have contributed $25.00 to your campaign. It might not show up right away because I'm on a slow Internet connection. In return, I ask only that you also donate to the GoFundMe campaign I have just set up:
https://www.gofundme.com/jkwmah-buy-me-a-boat
The money raised will be used to buy me a boat. It needs to have a bed and a bathroom because I'd like to be able to sleep on it. This will save me having to set up a GoFundMe campaign to buy a lake house to stay in when I use the boat. As way of incentive, if you contribute $25 or more, you'll receive a photo of me on my new boat. Contributing $50 or more gets a photo of me on my new boat without a shirt on. Contributions of $100 or more get a personal invitation to the lake to watch me on my new boat from the shore.
Regards, David
From: Derek Russell
Date: Tuesday 5 June 2018 3.56pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: GoFundMe
This is why nobody likes you. If you don't want to help then don't help. Nobody's forcing you to and nobody asked for your opinion.
Buy your own fucking boat.
From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 5 June 2018 4.02pm
To: Derek Russell
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: GoFundMe
Buy your own television, Derek.
From: Derek Russell
Date: Tuesday 5 June 2018 4.08pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: GoFundMe
It's hardly the same thing.
From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 5 June 2018 4.21pm
To: Derek Russell
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: GoFundMe
No, you have a television. I don't have a boat. I've read that an intrinsic sense of value is gained by saving to purchase something - and that living within your means is a path to financial security - but that won't get me a boat right now.
Taking the ongoing costs of slip fees, maintenance, and inflatable tubes into account, I'll probably need to set up some kind of recurring payment system on GoFundMe. Can I put you down for $15 per week? That's less than the cost of hosting three Braveheart parties and, as a valued ongoing contributor, you'll receive a subscription to David's Boat (a monthly newsletter featuring articles, tips, and dot-to-dot puzzles about boats) and a nautically themed blanket.
Regards, David
From: Derek Russell
Date: Tuesday 5 June 2018 4.33pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: GoFundMe
I've removed you from my mailing list and I'm blocking your email address.
Adidas
From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 5 June 2018 4.37pm
To: Derek Russell
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: GoFundMe
Derek,
Was that signoff a subtle hint that you're also in the market for a free pair of athletic shoes?
Regards, David
From: Derek Russell
Date: Tuesday 5 June 2018 4.42pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: GoFundMe
*Adios not adidas dipstick. Autocorrect changed it.
From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 5 June 2018 4.50pm
To: Derek Russell
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: GoFundMe
Derek,
Bon Voyage would be the appropriate maritime farewell. As a future boat owner, I've read up on all the terminology. Looking forward to pontooning my aft during the rudder knots this summer.
Regards, 'Captain' dipstick
From: Derek Russell
Date: Tuesday 5 June 2018 4.55pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: GoFundMe
Looking forward to hearing you drowned.
From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 5 June 2018 4.58pm
To: Derek Russell
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: GoFundMe
Derek,
I'm capable of keeping my head above water - without imploring others to throw me a swim noodle.
Regards, David
From: Derek Russell
Date: Tuesday 5 June 2018 5.06pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: GoFundMe
Blocked.
