"Strata rules exist for the benefit and well-being of all residents."

I am, currently, petless. This is partly due to my Strata agreement stating pets aren't allowed in the apartment, but mostly because of the whole feeding and walking thing. Pet ownership is a responsibility and I already have plenty of those to avoid.

I did have a goldfish named Stinky who lived in a vase for a few weeks. My offspring won him at the Royal Adelaide Show by tossing a ring onto a milk bottle. We couldn’t go on any rides after that because we had a goldfish. When Stinky died, I took him to work and hid him in Simon’s desk drawer. Simon complained for two weeks about an odd smell and then I guess Stinky dried out and stopped smelling. When Simon discovered Stinky several months later, he thought it was a moldy dried apricot.

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 10.16am
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

Thank you for your letter concerning animals in my apartment.

I'm currently soundproofing my apartment with egg cartons as I realise the dogs can cause quite a bit of noise. Especially during feeding time when I release live rabbits.

Regards, David

From: Helen Bailey
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 11.18am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Pets in the building

Hello David

I wish to remind you that the agreement states that no animals are allowed in the building regardless of whether your apartment is soundproofed.

How many dogs do you have at the premises?

Helen

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 1.52pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

Currently only eight but one is expecting. I’m hoping for a litter of ten as this is the number required for dog sled racing. I’ve read every Jack London novel in preparation and have constructed my own sled.

I've also devised a plan which should ensure first place in races: For the first year of their lives, I intend to chase the puppies around the apartment while yelling, “Mush!” and hitting saucepan lids together. I estimate the soundproofing of my apartment should block out 40% of the noise and, when I yell, "Mush!" on race day, the panic and adrenaline will spur them on to victory.

I’m so confident of this plan that I intend to sell both of my pigs the day before the race and bet the proceeds on coming first.

Regards, David

From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 9.43am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

David,

Do you have pets in the apartment or not?

Helen

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 11.27am
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

No, the ducks in the bathroom aren't mine.

Regards, David

From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 1.46pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

David,

You can't have ducks in the apartment. If it was a small bird that would be allowed.

Helen

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 2.18pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

They’re very small ducks.

Regards, David

From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 4.06pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

David, under section 4 of the Strata Residency Agreement, it states you cannot have pets. These rules exist for the benefit and well-being of all residents in the building including yourself and you agreed to these rules when you signed the forms.

Helen

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 5.02pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

The ducks will be flying south for the winter soon so it won't be an issue. It’s probably for the best as they aren't getting along well with my horse.

Regards, David

From: Helen Bailey
Date: Monday 25 May 2009 9.22am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

David,

I'm just going to write on the forms that you do not have any pets.

Helen




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