You smell like dryer sheets. The scented ones, not the plain ones.

We officially have two new employees at the agency. Mike, our creative director, offered a woman named Kate the HR position because she wears expensive shoes. Thin hair lady was a close second but her fifteen years of experience in the industry were overshadowed by the fact she drives a Hyundai.

“Have you ever even been in a Hyundai, Mike?”
“No, I’m not poor.”
“It’s the newer model at least.”
“That’s worse. It says, ‘I just bought this Hyundai.’”

Our other new employee, Ashley, also started today. Her desk is next to Walter’s, and he’s completely smitten. He’s been making her coffees, offering tips on which pens write best, and he swapped his keyboard with hers because his is less ‘clackety’. He also told her she smelled like dryer sheets - "The scented ones, not the plain ones.”

A few minutes ago in the kitchen, he asked me if I thought it would be weird if he wrote her a song.

“I didn’t know you play an instrument.”
“I don’t.”
“Are you going to sing it to her? Please tell me you are.”
“No, I’ll email it to her. Maybe as a pdf.”
“Nice. You should use the typeface OCR-B.”
“The barcode font? No, I’ll probably use Myriad Pro Semibold.”

Update: 11.55am

Walter just asked me if I know a word that rhymes with 'meticulous'. He's going with 'frictionless’ so I assume the song is about something clean and slippery.

Update: 12.45pm

Small bump on the road to love. Walter surprised Ashley with a Subway 6” Meatball Marinara Melt for lunch, but it turns out she’s vegan. He was slightly crestfallen but covered it well by stating, “I don’t really like meat either. Because I love animals and care about the world. They’re just really good meatballs.”

He also stated that his favourite animal is the penguin because it mates for life.

Update: 1.05pm

Walter asked Ashley if she’s ever been bitten by a parrot, then peeled off a Band-Aid to show her his infected finger. She asked if it hurt and he replied, “Only when I poke things."

Update: 1.25pm

Ben asked Ashley if she wanted to learn how to use the spiral binder, so Walter’s kind of pissed. He joined them in the stationery room and is critiquing Ben’s poor choice of spiral size for the document thickness.

Update: 1.50pm

While Walter was downstairs, Jodie walked past Ashley’s desk and said to her, “I think someone’s got a little crush on you.” Ben yelled from his office, “Oh my god, I was just showing her how to use the spiral binder. You’re as bad as Walter.”

Update: 2.05pm

I informed Walter of the rumour going around that Ben is planning to ask Ashley out. He’s currently in Ben’s office with the door closed, but the blinds are open. Ben is making a WTF? face as Walter waves a poster tube at him.

Update: 2.10pm

Mike ordered flowers for Kate’s office.They’re white lilies in a tall vase with a card that reads ‘Have a great first week’. I replaced the card with one that says, ‘I enjoyed showing you how to use the spiral binder' and moved the vase to Ashley’s desk.

Update: 2.30pm

I’m being blamed for the flowers even though it’s clearly not my handwriting on the card. I don’t do my B’s like that.

Update: 2.50pm

Walter just sent Ashley a friend request on Facebook. She didn’t respond within thirty seconds so Walter asked if she’d seen his friend request. He also changed his profile photo to one of him at a fun run.

Update: 3.10pm

In what may be the oddest courting ritual I’ve ever witnessed, Walter is demonstrating to Ashley how ‘staticy' the carpets are. It’s like one of those wildlife documentaries where birds perform mating dances, but with quick shimmying then touching things.

Update: 4.00pm

Walter just proved to Ben he can do a headstand. There are scuff marks from his shoes on the wall next to Ashley’s desk now. Apparently he can do a headstand without the use of a wall, but only if he's in a swimming pool.

Update: 4:17pm

Very little work has been done in the art department today. I could have worked from home but then I would have missed Walter and Ben arguing over who can do the best Transformers transforming noise. Ben is just saying ‘Bshooom’ in a deep voice but I told Walter that Ben’s impression is a lot better than his so Walter added body movements to turn it up a notch. Ashley said she hasn’t seen the movie so can’t judge.

Update: 5.05pm

Okay. In a rather surprising turn of events, Walter brought his A game and asked Ashley if she'd like to grab a drink with him after work. He tried to make it sound casual, like he’d just thought of it and he had plenty of other things to do if she was busy, but his face was bright red and you could see the panic in his eyes. He performed an odd little wobble of relief when she said yes.

They left together a few minutes ago and Walter grinned and did a little fist punch as he passed my office. On their way down the stairs, I heard him tell Ashley she looks like Selena Gomez from behind, “But less Mexican."