It's Autumn in America and, a few weeks ago, my partner Holly purchased approximately four hundred pumpkins to place on the front porch so that people driving past our house can say, “Fuck that’s a lot of pumpkins.”
Someone stole one last week. Perhaps to make soup with. On Monday, Holly ordered one of those Ring Video Doorbell systems. It cost two-hundred-dollars but apparently that's a small price to pay to be protected from pumpkin bandits.
As I work remotely from home three days per week, and Holly has access to the Ring on her phone while she’s at her office, I received 23 text messages from her yesterday informing me of important front door activities such as, “The mail came,” and, “There’s a cat outside.”
As I've been accused of exaggeration before, here’s a complete and verbatim list of yesterday's Ring updates:
Can you clean the Ring lens please? It’s blurry.
That’s better. Thank you.
Stand in the driveway and wave.
Did you cut your hair?
Squirrel on the porch!
Never mind, it’s gone now.
We should trim the bushes in the front yard.
UPS delivered a box. What did you order? Is it shoes?
I saw you get the box. Why didn't you wave?
We should get a bird feeder.
The mail came. Is that our regular mailman? I thought our mailman was shorter.
Has the Ring frozen?
Never mind. I just saw a car drive past.
We should get one of those wind things so we can tell if the Ring is working. The things that have circles. I'm going to order one. And a bird feeder. Do you have a color preference?
There’s a cat outside.
It’s still there.
I saw you put a piece of tape over the lens.
Can you take it off please?
I’m serious What's the point of having it if you block the lens? It's just using up all our wifi for no reason.
I’m getting really angry.
That cat's back.
Can you move that please? Where did you even get a cardboard cutout of Jonah Hill?