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It's Autumn in America and, a few weeks ago, my partner Holly purchased approximately four hundred pumpkins to place on the front porch so that people driving past our house can say, “Fuck that’s a lot of pumpkins.”
Someone stole one last week. Perhaps to make soup with. On Monday, Holly ordered one of those Ring Video Doorbell systems. It cost two-hundred-dollars but apparently that's a small price to pay to be protected from pumpkin bandits.
As I work remotely from home three days per week, and Holly has access to the Ring on her phone while she’s at her office, I received 23 text messages from her yesterday informing me of important front door activities such as, “The mail came,” and, “There’s a cat outside.”
As I've been accused of exaggeration before, here’s a complete and verbatim list of yesterday's Ring updates:
9.17am
Can you clean the Ring lens please? It’s blurry.
9.22am
That’s better. Thank you.
9.24am
Stand in the driveway and wave.
9.26am
Did you cut your hair?
10.16am
Squirrel on the porch!
10.18am
Never mind, it’s gone now.
10.21am
We should trim the bushes in the front yard.
10.26am
UPS delivered a box. What did you order? Is it shoes?
10.31am
I saw you get the box. Why didn't you wave?
10.42am
We should get a bird feeder.
10.44am
The mail came. Is that our regular mailman? I thought our mailman was shorter.
11.06am
Has the Ring frozen?
11.08am
Never mind. I just saw a car drive past.
11.12am
We should get one of those wind things so we can tell if the Ring is working. The things that have circles. I'm going to order one. And a bird feeder. Do you have a color preference?
11.28am
There’s a cat outside.
11.34am
It’s still there.
11.39am
I saw you put a piece of tape over the lens.
11.43am
Can you take it off please?
1.22pm
I’m serious What's the point of having it if you block the lens? It's just using up all our wifi for no reason.
1.43pm
I’m getting really angry.
2.02pm
Thank you.
2.09pm
That cat's back.
2.14pm
Can you move that please? Where did you even get a cardboard cutout of Jonah Hill?
