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My coworker Gary lost his pointer finger in a van door incident last year. He took the finger to the hospital, hoping it could be reattached, but they told him, “You’re like 130-years-old, what’s the point?”
He still has a little nub, but it would be better if he didn’t. The way he holds his mouse at the front with his surviving bony digits to nub-click looks like a spider crab probing a fish.
Gary averages one incident per week, so when he lost the finger everyone here was like, “That’s so Gary,” and, “Has he never been in a van before?” rather than being shocked. It’s not that we lack empathy, it’s that you can’t use it all up on one person. In addition to losing a finger, nearly drowning in a very slippery bathtub, and being stung by a wasp while passing a truck on a highway, Gary has had far too many incidents to list them all, so here’s my top five:
1. A raccoon scared him when he went outside to put a bag in the trash, and he pulled a muscle in his neck. It was pretty severe; his head was locked to the left and up like he was looking at something in a tree. He had to do neck exercises with a tennis ball for three weeks.
2. He drank water out of a garden hose then spent four days in hospital.
3. Walter shot a Nerf gun dart at Gary, and Gary headbutted a door frame attempting to dodge it. Over the next few days, a small bump on his forehead grew to the size of a lemon, and he had to have it lanced due to it stretching the skin so much he couldn’t close his right eye. Also, we all had to watch an OHS video about a guy named Reckless Ricky who works on a construction site.
4. He cracked a walnut and a fragment of shell flew into his eye. It doesn’t matter how many times in your life you’re told not to rub it, you always rub it. They had to remove it with a robot arm.
And 5. my personal favorite, Gary fell over a short fence at a petting zoo and a pig bit his shoulder.
I was originally going to make this a top 10, but most of Gary’s incidents were kind of disappointing after the pig bite.
“I won’t be in today.”
“OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED?”
“I burned my stomach on a waffle maker.”
“Oh, is that all?”
“It’s a pretty bad burn.”
“Well, that’s something I suppose. Is it at least in the shape of a waffle? Like does it have the pattern?”
“No, it’s just a line.”
