Lucius Thaller

Dear Mr Bandabaloobi, my pin number is 6969.

“Mr Bandabaloobi told me he was from the Nigerian Bank,” said Lucius, “We first communicated when he sent me an email explaining a rich old guy had died and the Nigerian government was going to keep his ten million dollars unless I wanted it instead.”

"I gave him my account details and purchased a plane ticket to Nigeria. Once I arrived, I was taken to a small hotel room on the outskirts of town where I was stripped and kissed by dark, hairy men. One of them, Carl, was very gentle and he told me he loved me. The others were very rough. I struggled and told them I was a friend of Mr Bandabaloobi but they continued to kiss my beautiful body - something I’ve imagined but never expected to happen because I’m straight.

Carl drove me back to the airport a few weeks later. He's cool, we've emailed each other since. My mum had to pay for the return flight because there was a problem with my bank but she knows I will pay her back when I get the ten million dollars.

My only regrets are that I missed my meeting with Mr Bandabaloobi, and that I didn’t get to see those African animals that peek up really quick and look around and then pop back down really quick. I can’t remember what they’re called but they’re very similar to those little dogs that live on the prairie. I can’t remember what those ones are called either but they look a little bit like otters. They don’t live in water like otters though, they live on prairies. No, I don’t know what a prairie is.”


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