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It’s Mystery Monday at the agency. For years, my coworker Walter has complained that the 'bit that sticks out’ on his L-shaped desk is on the wrong side. It’s not a matter of rotating his desk because the bit that sticks out is shorter. Last Thursday, while searching for a dropped pen, Walter discovered the bit that sticks out is only attached by screws and can go on either side. His discovery was pretty much up there with Penicillin, and he did a kick-punch thing as he relayed the exciting news.
On Friday, Walter brought his Dewalt drill to work, but a client had urgent changes to a brochure design and Walter had to Photoshop a black kid into the back of a speedboat instead of disassembling his desk. He considered staying back late, but decided it was more of a ‘company time’ thing after nobody wanted to stay back with him to help. Putting it off until Monday also meant Walter could plan his attire more accordingly and wear "proper desk changing pants" so his knees don't get carpet burn. It’s a valid concern; the carpet tiles here are some kind of asbestos/Brillo blend that smells like ozone.
This morning, primed for Project Desk, Walter discovered his Dewalt drill has vanished.
He searched the entire building. Accusations were made, words were said, there was a bit of angry keyboard clacking. Most people would probably compose an email along the lines of, “Has anyone seen my Dewalt drill?” but Walter has entered full Nancy Drew mode and compiled a set of staff questions to ascertain the culprit. My favorites are Question #2: “Who fixes stuff at your house?” and Question #4: "What color are Dewalt tools?"
I asked what the point of Question #4 was, and Walter explained, “Everyone knows Dewalt tools are yellow, so if someone answers, “I don’t know,” or, “Green,” I’ll know they’re trying to avoid suspicion. It’s a clever trap question.”
Apparently there are two clever trap questions but he won't disclose the other one. I’m guessing it’s #9: "Did you take my drill? Just be honest, I won't be angry. I promise."
This is an ongoing investigation, so I’ll update with any progress...”
I should probably add that I didn’t take Walter’s drill. I do understand Walter questioning me first though; he caught me stealing coffee beans from the office kitchen last year. I claimed I was putting the beans in a ziplock bag to keep them fresh, but he wasn’t buying it, so I’ve had to do it every afternoon since to prove my innocence. It's become a thing; people sip their coffee and ask, “Mmm. Are these bag beans?”
According to Walter, it had to be an inside job; we have cleaners, but they only come Tuesday and Thursday nights, and the alarm log shows nobody entered the premises between 5.17pm Friday and 8.21am this morning. I suggested it may have been Professor Plum in the kitchen and Walter went all squinty and asked, “Who’s Professor Plum? Is he a client?”
Apparently Walter has never played a board game in his life because he wasn’t born in the "olden days.” He did eventually concede that he once played Trouble at a friend’s lake house, but it was only for five minutes and he didn’t enjoy it. It was too poppy....
Update: 10.08amGary, our account manager, has a solid alibi. He wasn’t at work Friday because he needed a "halfwit free day”, and he was late this morning because his cat ate a stick of butter. Apparently he had to wait for the cat to poo for some reason.
Walter asked, “Did it poo out the whole stick of butter?” and Gary replied, “No, don’t be stupid.” Walter then explained that he didn’t mean an ‘intact’ stick of butter, because cats are warm and it wouldn’t have swallowed the stick whole anyway, and Gary told him to get out of his office…
Update: 10.17amBen, our copywriter, is apparently a “Milwaukee Guy” and will explode if he touches a Dewalt tool. He stated Dewalt tools are just rebadged Black & Decker tools, which Walter Googled, and now they’re arguing about cars. Walter’s argument is that just because Lamborghini is owned by Volkswagen, that doesn't make a Mercielago a Jetta, while Ben’s argument is that he once dropped a Milwaukee drill off a cliff and it actually worked better afterwards.
I was initially convinced of Ben's innocence, but he answered Question #4 with, ‘Fuchsia', so technically failed one of the trap questions…
Update: 10.24amMelissa, our front desk human*, also failed Question #4. She guessed, “Red?” and Ben yelled downstairs, “No, that’s Milwaukee, Dewalt is yellow.” Melissa exclaimed, “Ooh, I like yellow!” and Walter pounced. “Hmm. Interesting,” he said, "Seen anything yellow you like around here lately? Perhaps something yellow upstairs on my desk?”
I’m not sure where his line of questioning was headed - maybe he suspected Melissa of having some kind of uncontrollable urge to collect yellow things - perhaps to line her nest with. Melissa sidestepped the question by using, “Is that really how little you think of me? I thought we were friends,” which effectively ended her interrogation. Walter made a big production of crossing Melissa’s name off the list but when he passed my office, he leaned in and whispered, “I’m like 90% sure it was Melissa.
* I refer to Melissa as our front desk human because we also have a front desk cactus....
Update: 10.33amJodie, our senior designer, claimed she's "extremely busy", so Walter jumped straight to Question #10: “The drill was a birthday present from my dad. He’s dead now."
Which is more a statement than a question. I pointed this out during my interrogation, and Walter explained that Question #10 is just to gauge emotional response and he actually purchased the drill himself with Amazon points.
Jodie isn't extremely busy. Walter checked with Rebecca, our production manager, and the project Jodie is working on isn’t due for another week. Nobody here does any work until four hours before deadline. I checked the server, and Jodie’s search history from this morning reveals she Googled “How to make an Origami swan” and "cute socks” and is currently looking at pictures of rabbits.
I haven't informed Walter of this, as I can’t risk everyone learning I can check their search history. Some days it’s my only source of entertainment; last week, Gary posted a question on a forum about trailer axel weight limits, so I joined and replied, “Shut up, Gary.
Rebecca isn’t a suspect as she currently works remotely from an RV. Her last Zoom call was from the parking lot of Dollywood in Tennessee...
Update: 10.39amJodie sent Walter a text stating, “Just so you know, Melissa stole an eyeliner pen from Sephora a few years ago.”
Walter has declared it “an obvious attempt to redirect suspicion," and Jodie is now the prime suspect. Walter also reminded me that Jodie came out as a lesbian last year. When I asked what that has to do with anything, he said, “Lesbians like power tools. They usually buy Makita though.”
Update: 10.45amA clue has been uncovered. Kate, our operations director, claims she heard a humming noise coming from the courtyard when she arrived. To recreate the scene, Walter made Kate stand by the front desk while he stood in the courtyard and played a Youtube video of a drill being used to see if it sounded the same to her. It didn’t.
Kate isn’t a suspect because she drives a white Volvo XC90. Ashley, our most recent employee, is Walter’s girlfriend, so that just leaves Mike, our creative director, and he’s currently in a meeting with an important client...
Update: 10.49amWalter knocked on the boardroom door, peeked in, and said, “Sorry to interrupt, Mike, I was just wondering if you’ve seen my drill? I think someone here took it. We might have a thief."
I asked Walter how Mike had responded, and he said, “He didn’t, he just got up and closed the door in my face. Pretty rude.”
Update: 11.03amWalter is sulking in his office. Not only has he lost his drill, he’s not allowed to reconfigure his desk. It’s a crushing blow and has forced him to question his future with the company. I’m watching him on the server and he’s looking at job listings online. We’ve all been there. It’s double the ‘fuck you’ when you look for another job while you’re at work…
… Okay, it’s actually exhausting following Walter online. He has the attention span of a carrot and gave up on job listings within minutes. He’s currently watching a Youtube video about a guy who mows people’s lawns for free...
Update: 11.17amA piece of the puzzle has been solved. Apparently the humming noise Kate heard was Mike using a handy-vac to remove dog hair from his suit before his meeting. We had a ‘bring your pet to work' thing three years ago and there’s still hair everywhere. Our copier stopped working last month and when the technician pulled out the motherboard, it looked like huge rectangular caterpillar. He said it was lucky we didn’t have a fire.
It’s a fairly useless piece of the puzzle, but it does close an avenue of investigation. Walter’s heart isn’t in it anymore so I’ve taken over for him. I’ve pretty much concluded that Jodie is the thief, but I should probably perform my own search of the premises for clues before gathering everyone in a circle to point at her…
Update: 11.35amThe drill was in Walter’s office behind a box of toner cartridges. Walter forgot he hid it there so no-one would steal it.
Yes, it’s a bit of an anti-climax, I’m not Agatha Christie.
Also, Walter emailed Mike a ‘Reasons I should be allowed to change my desk’ list. Reason #6 is “I'll be able to get out quicker if there’s a fire," and Reason #7 is “It will take five minutes.”
Mike emailed back, “Sure. Why not? Maybe knock out a wall while you’re at it.”
Which Walter took as permission...
Okay, more of a followup than an update: Reason #7 was a bit optimistic.
It took four hours because the desk folded in on itself when half the screws were removed, ripping out the rest, and Walter had to drive to Lowe's to buy brackets.
The desk is back together but it's a bit wobbly. Walter is rather pleased though; he’s demonstrated several times how efficiently he can get to his door and plans to simply avoid placing heavy items on his desk. An empty box or pen is probably fine, just not at the same time.
