I wish I had a monkey.

Not like the monkey in the photo above though, that monkey has some kind of fruit smeared all over its face. I'd want a clean monkey.

While this list covers several kind of monkeys that would be good to have, it's far from complete as it omits Jetski Monkey, Boiling Water Monkey, and Battlestar Galactica Monkey.

Disguised Monkey

If I had a monkey, I'd make my monkey wear a monkey costume. Then if anyone said, “Thats not a real monkey, I can see the zipper”, I could say, “I bet you fifty dollars it is a real monkey,” and when they said, “that seems like a reasonable bet”, my monkey would take off the monkey costume and they would have to pay me fifty dollars. I'd buy drugs with the fifty dollars. For the monkey. So he wouldn’t mind spending his life in a monkey costume.

Gambling Monkey

If I had a monkey, I'd teach him to count cards like Dustin Hoffman in the movie Rainman and sneak my monkey into a casino. If anyone said, “Hey a monkey, whose monkey is that?” I'd say, “It’s not my monkey.”

Hairdressing Monkey

If I had a monkey, I would teach him how to do my hair using the appropriate amount of product. I would then set the alarm for him to get up half an hour before I do and do my hair while I am still asleep. This would give me more time to write about what I would do if I had a monkey.

Paddling Monkey

If I had a monkey, I'd teach it how to use a paddle. The next time I went kayaking, I would be able to relax and enjoy the scenery while my monkey navigated the river. The last time I went kayaking, I fell asleep and got sunburnt and the current took me way down the river and I had to paddle all the way back. Having a paddling monkey would prevent this happening again so really it’s a safety thing.

Web Monkey

If I had a monkey, I'd teach it to download porn. This way I could spend my time watching it instead of searching for it. I estimate this would save me one hundred and thirty hours a week. I'd obviously require a monkey with similar tastes to mine but how hard can it be to find a monkey with a penchant for pregnant midgets wearing latex?

Remote Monkey

If I had a monkey, I'd teach it how to use all my entertainment equipment. I'd save money on batteries for the remote controls by having my monkey change channels for me. With the money I saved on batteries I'd buy drugs. I would share the drugs with the monkey while we watched Black Books and Stephen Chow movies together.

Surveillance Monkey

If I had a monkey, I'd teach it to track down people who annoy me on Facebook. Using earpieces to communicate, I'd have my monkey conceal himself behind the person typing and when that person wrote something stupid, my monkey would run up and slap them on the back of the head. Having several monkeys would be more convenient but I don’t have time to train several monkeys, what with having to do my own hair in the mornings.

Five fun things to do with a monkey

Constructing and flying box kites.
Dance Dance Revolution.
Running down sand dunes.
Methamphetamine.
Turning pots on a potters wheel.




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