"Dear Neighbour, you are not invited to my party."

A few weeks ago, a guy moved into the apartment across from me. I know little about him apart from the fact that he owns cane furniture as I saw him carrying it in. Last week, when I checked my mailbox, I found that my new neighbour had left me a note stating he was having a party and to let him know if the noise was too loud.

The problem I have with the note isn't that he was having a party and didn’t invite me, it was that he selected a background of balloons.

If I were to write a note to my neighbours stating I was having a party and they weren't invited, I wouldn't add photos of ecstasy tablets and Lucius dancing to show what they are missing out on, I'd make it clean and simple, possibly even sombre, so they didn’t think, ‘you prick’.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 8 Dec 2008 11.04am
To: Matthew Smythe
Subject: R.S.V.P.

Dear Matthew,

Thank you for the party invite. At first glance I thought it was for a children's party, what with the balloons, but I realise you probably did your best with what little tools were available. I wouldn’t miss it for the world. What time would you like me there?

Regards, David

From: Matthew Smythe
Date: Monday 8 Dec 2008 3.48pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: R.S.V.P.

Hi David

Sorry the house warming is just for friends and family.

Cheers Matthew

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 8 Dec 2008 5.41pm
To: Matthew Smythe
Subject: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

Thanks Matthew,

Including me in your list of friends and family means a lot. I told my friend Ross that you're having a party and he's as excited as I am.

Do you want us to bring anything or will everything be provided?

Regards, David

From: Matthew Smythe
Date: Tuesday 9 Dec 2008 10.01am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

Hi David

As I said my housewarming is just for friends and family. Theres not a lot of room so cant have to many people come. Sorry about that mate.

Cheers Matthew

From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 9 Dec 2008 2.36pm
To: Matthew Smythe
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

Dear Matthew,

I appreciate that, our apartments aren't very large are they? If you'd like to store some of your cane furniture at my place during the party to make more room, you are welcome to.

I told Ross not to invite anyone else due to the space constraints, so it will just be the two of us and my other friend Simon. When I told Simon that Ross and I were going to a party, he became quite angry that I had not invited him as well so I didn’t have a choice as he can become quite violent. Sometimes I'm afraid to even be in the same room as him.

So, just myself, Ross and Simon. Simon’s girlfriend has a work function on that night but might come later if she can get a lift with friends.

Regards, David

From: Matthew Smythe
Date: Tuesday 9 Dec 2008 4.19pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

Wtf? Nobody can come to the houswarming party its just for friends and family. I dont even know these people. How do you know I have cane furniture? Are you the guy in apartment 1?

From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 9 Dec 2008 6.12pm
To: Matthew Smythe
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

Hi Matthew,

I understand it's an exclusive party and I appreciate you trusting my judgement on who to bring.

I just assumed you have cane furniture, doesn’t everybody? Cane is one of the most renewable natural resources we have after plastic. Every item in my apartment is made of cane, including my television. It looks like the one from Gilligan’s Island but in colour. Do you remember that episode where a robot visited the island? That was the best one in my opinion.

Ross rang me excited about the party and asked me what the theme is. I told him I don’t think there is a theme and we discussed it and feel that it should be an eighties themed party. I have a white suit and a projector and am coming as Nik Kershaw.

I'm in the process of redesigning your invites for you and will get a few hundred printed off later today. I'll have to ask you for the money for this as print cartridges for my Epson are pretty expensive. They stopped making this model a month after I bought it and I have to get the cartridges sent from China. Around $120 should cover it. You can just pop the money in my letter box.

Regards, David

From: Matthew Smythe
Date: Wednesday 10 Dec 2008 11.06pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

There is no theme for the party its just a few friends and family. noone else can come IT IS ONLY FOR MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY do you understand? Dont print anything because Im not paying for something I dont need and didnt ask you to do! look Im sorry but i am heaps busy and that night is not convenient. Are you in Apatrment1?

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 11 Dec 2008 9.15am
To: Matthew Smythe
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

Hello Matthew,

No, I 'm in apartment 3B. We share a bedroom wall so when we're sleeping, our heads are only a few feet apart. We should learn morse code and tap to eachother.

I agree that it's not convenient having a party on a Sunday, but who am I to judge? I also agree hat having a particular theme for your party may not be the best choice, it makes more sense to leave it open as a generic fancy dress party; that way everyone can come dressed as they like.

I'm going to be a ninja. If you dressed as a ninja as well, we could perform a martial arts display for the other guests. I have real swords and will bring them. If you need help with your costume let me know, I made mine by wrapping a black t-shirt around my face and cutting finger holes in black socks for the gloves. I don't own black pants so will spray paint my legs on the night.

Actually, I just had a thought, how awesome would it be if I arrived through the window like a real ninja. We should definitely do that. I just measured the distance between our balconies and I should be able to jump it. I once leaped across a creek that was over five metres wide and almost made it.

Regards, David

From: Matthew Smythe
Date: Thursday 11 Dec 2008 3.02pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

There is no 3B. I reckon your that guy from Apartment 1. Your not coming to my house warming and your not bringing any of your friends. What is wrong with you??? The only people invited are friends and family I told you that. Its just drinks theres no fucking fancy dress and only people i know are coming! I dont want to be rude but jesus fucking christ man.

From: David Thorne
Date: Sunday 14 Dec 2008 9.04am
To: Matthew Smythe
Subject: Party

Hello Matthew,

I've been away for a few days and haven't been able to check my email. Flying back later today in time for the party and just wanted to say that we're all really looking forward to it. We will probably get there around eleven or twelve, just when it starts to liven up. Simon’s girlfriend Cathy’s work function was cancelled so she can make it after all. She will probably have a few friends with her so they will take the minivan.

Also, I've arranged a Piñata.

Regards, David




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