Simon's Guide to Shopping at IKEA

Hello, my name is Simon and I love IKEA so much, I want to marry it. Can you believe the prices on glass tealight candle holders? Seventy cents. That is unbelievable. I'll get ten. And a potato peeler.

Here is my simple step-by-step guide to buying a sofa from IKEA. Some people may think purchasing a sofa would be a simple exercise but with determination and a little planning, you can ensure that it is a painful process for everyone involved.

Step 1

Call David at 7.40am and ask him if he will come to IKEA with you. It is important to ring this early as David will be disorientated and agree to anything.

Step 2

Call David again at 8.05am to check that he got up as getting to IKEA early is imperative. This 25 minute interval will ensure that if David did get up, he will be in the shower. Call David again at 9.15 to enquire where he is and ask him to get you a large latte on the way. If he declines, remind him of the time you fed his fish while he was away six years ago.

Step 3

Upon David's arrival, inform him that you are taking his car because it has a tow ball and he will need to rent a trailer on the way. Now that David is at your place you can get ready at your leisure. As you just put the clothes you want to wear in the dryer, he will have to wait an hour anyway. Make him useful during this time by having him edit a website you are working on about mid-century modern ashtrays.

Step 4

During the drive to IKEA, complain about David's choice in music. Demand a better selection. Make David pull over and tune his stereo to your ipod's itrip and play eighties dance tracks such as Big in Japan by Alphaville loud enough for cars around you to hear. Sing the chorus. If you get the words wrong, explain that's the way they are in another version.

Step 5

When you arrive at IKEA, do not go straight to the sofa section. Follow the path IKEA have set for you to take and stop and look at every item. Remember to also stop at each location point and consult the 'you are here' diagram before progressing. Inform David every two minutes of your exact location in the store by marking your journey on the IKEA map with your IKEA pencil.

Step 6

At the sofa section, sit on every couch and pretend you're watching television. Make david sit next to you like a couple. Also, whenever David is more than five metres away, call out questions such as, "What is the foam density of that one?" loud enough for everyone within a thirty metre radius to hear. Consult with the staff about every couch. Researching sofas on the Internet before you go will enable you to discuss frame warp and fabric weave. Asking about colour choices and availability will involve looking through large sample books. Consult David on each swatch.

Step 7

Once you have made your selection, do not leave the store. Purchase a coffee table and a shelf unit and inform David that he will help you put them together when you get home. Also purchase a floor lamp, ten glass tealight candle holders, cutlery, two ice cube trays, eight cushions, four stackable boxes, an ironing board cover, a quilt cover set, a rug, and a potato peeler. Make David push the cart, explaining that you need your hands free to write on the IKEA product slip with your IKEA pencil.

Step 8

Before leaving, inform David that you would like to try the famous Swedish Meatballs at the IKEA restaurant. If he states that he'll wait in the car, explain that you are shopping together, not one person shopping and the other waiting in the car.

Step 9

Use several hundred metres of string to tie the IKEA boxes to the trailer. If David suggests that perhaps you've used enough string, explain that it's free and you intend to repurpose it at a later date for gift tags. Discuss the meatballs on the drive home.