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When I get old, I’m going to watch The Weather Channel a lot. If someone mentions that it’s cold, warm, or wet, I’ll be able to tell them that a low front is moving in from the East which will give me an opening to complain about my knees. And the price of prescription medicines. And the government.
I wasn't smacked as a child. If I had been, I might be a doctor or lawyer by now. Instead of physical punishment, my parents simply stated they were "disappointed." The only physical punishment I remember receiving was once having my mouth washed out with soap; my father switched channels to the news while I was watching The Goodies and, having heard the term that day at school and assuming it was a generic one like ragamuffin or boofhead, I called him a 'cocksucker.'
Dragged down the hallway and into the bathroom, the worst part of the punishment wasn't the taste of soap, it was that the only bar available was a mushy blob stuck to the tiled floor of the shower. As I spat the soap and a toenail into the sink afterwards, I remember thinking, 'Nobody in our family has short curly hair, whose hair is this?'
During a recent discussion with my father about bad parenting, I reminded him of this and he said, "Bullshit. It was Brut-33 soap-on-a-rope. It was hanging on the tap. That's what the rope is for you fucking liar."
From: Beverly Corrigan
Date: Thursday 21 November 2013 7.08pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Very disappointed
Dear Mr Thorne,
On the 18th of November, I ordered your book from Amazon. It was for my 14yo grandson's birthday. The book is being returned.
Foul language isn't clever, it just displays a limited vocabulary.
At the very least, the cover should include a warning that the book contains explicit language so people don't have to waste their time returning items.
Thank you for your time.
Beverly Corrigan
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 November 2013 2.14pm
To: Beverly Corrigan
Subject: Re: Very disappointed
Dear Beverly,
I'm sorry to hear of your disappointment. Hopefully Amazon's efficient return process won't interrupt your admonishment schedule too much. I'm sure you will let them know if it does.
As misery loves company, you may be pleased to learn that I have received similar correspondence from readers in the past. In response to this feedback, it may also please you to learn that articles from my books are being reworked and released as a single volume targeted specifically towards your demographic.
Available in both Block and Edison Disk Audio-book versions, the Victorian Edition is sure to be a hit at local council meetings, doctor's waiting rooms, and church fundraisers .
Please find attached a few sample pages for your consideration.
Regards, David
From: Beverly Corrigan
Date: Friday 22 November 2013 4.36pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Very disappointed
I won't be ordering that book either. It's sad that this is what passes for humor these days.
Beverly Corrigan
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 November 2013 4.58pm
To: Beverly Corrigan
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Very disappointed
Subject: Beverly Corrigan
Date: Friday 22 November 2013 7.22pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Very disappointed
I've reported you to my internet service provider.
