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That's right, there's a bird in the office. It’s the most exciting thing to have happened at the agency in months and everyone has dropped all pretence of working to join the adventure. There have been many suggestions and some synchronised poster tube waving, but the bird (either a small sparrow or a fat finch, there’s some debate) doesn’t appear to want to leave.
Update
The bird has a name now. It’s Gary. Gary our account manager isn’t pleased with the bird having the same name and seems to have missed the whole point of naming it Gary by reacting exactly as expected. He’s at the “We’ll just see what Kate has to say about this!” stage already.
Also the term, “Which Gary?” is now an established response to any mention of either Gary.
“Gary’s in Kate’s office.”
“Which Gary?”
“Old Gary.”
Update
Gary has a house. Bird Gary, not Old Gary. Old Gary also has a house, but it’s not as nice as Bird Gary’s. Old Gary’s house is a two bedroom, one bathroom, brick bungalow in a shitty neighborhood. Bird Gary’s house, constructed from the finest foam board, is a modern take on Wright’s Fallingwater and has a prime rafter position overlooking the studio. His lower balcony doubles as a feeding station, with recessed spray-adhesive-cap water and food bowls, while the interior is lined with shredded paper.
It was easier to persuade Bird Gary to seek refuge in his house than it was to get him to go outside, but it still took a bit of teamwork. Companies spend a lot of money on those staff team- building retreats where you have to make a plank bridge or something equally as stupid. They should just release a bird in the office.
At the last team-building retreat we attended, Jodie, our senior designer, and Melissa, our ‘first impressions director’, argued during a raft-building exercise and Melissa took an oar to the face. I don’t recall exactly what Melissa said to enrage Jodie, but it was something to do with buoyancy and weight distribution. Jodie was doing Ozempic injections for a while, but it turned out to be a cheap Chinese knockoff that was actually some kind of bean juice. She ordered it online and had to use Venmo, so you’d think that would have been a red flag. There’s always something sketchy going on if you have to pay with Venmo. It’s mainly just for poppers, sandwich bag weed, and Denny’s parking lot handjobs.
There have been zero arguments regarding Bird Gary; Jodie and Melissa prepared a multi-grain bread and oatmeal treat for him in the kitchen together, and Jodie held the ladder while Melissa climbed up to place it in his food bowl. There was even a high five after she climbed back down as if to say, “Go Team Bird!”
Update
According to Kate, there’s no rule against naming the bird Gary, but we can’t refer to human Gary as Old Gary, as it’s age discrimination and harassment.
Old Gary is now Gary 2, and Bird Gary is Gary 1. Gary 2 is arguing that he should be Gary 1, as he’s been here longer, but at this point it would just confuse Gary 1 to have to go through another name change.
Update
It’s nice having Gary 1 in the office. It’s added a sense of tranquility to the environment; like we’re in a tropical rainforest near a waterfall. The natural sounds balance out the mermmmmmm of the water cooler and chukala chuckala clunk of the photocopier getting jammed. It’s probably as close to Zen as we’re going to get here. Occasionally, the tranquility is interrupted by Gary 1 getting a bit close during his investigative studio flights (Ben is a screamer), but for the most part he stays close to his house, chirping and jumping between rafters.
Not a lot of work is getting done, but it never is - distractions account for around 70% of each working day and they’re rarely as exciting as a bird in the office. Yesterday, I had to entertain myself for an hour with a pen spring.
Update
The sense of tranquility has been broken. Jodie asked, “What if Gary 1 is a girl and she has babies waiting for her?” so now there’s a dark element to keeping him/her here. The office is basically divided into two factions: those demanding Gary 1’s release, and those who haven’t had their desk pooed on yet. Gary 2's desk has the most poo and he suggested killing Gary 1, but nobody cares what Gary 2 has to say. I stopped listening to him in 2019 when he asked if I could use a ‘jazzier’ typeface than Helvetica.
Update
A vote was taken, by show of hands, and Gary 1 is being evicted. His house has been removed and the door leading to the courtyard is being held open by a ream of photocopier paper.
All it’s done so far is let flies in, and they’re dumpster flies, which are the worst kind of flies. Our office mostly just throws paper in the dumpster, but we share it with two other businesses in the building and one makes ‘edible arrangements’.
For those not familiar with edible arrangements, they’re similar to a flower arrangement, but made out of fruit slices that strangers have touched and breathed on. I was certain the business would be bankrupt within a few months, but apparently there’s a demographic of people who think, “I should send Helen something for her birthday but I really don’t like her enough to send flowers. If only there was something similar but with E.coli...”
Sometimes when they have an order cancelled, a lady named June brings the edible arrangement over for us - which is annoying. We can’t throw it in the dumpster, as they might see it, so we have to deconstruct the disgusting thing and flush the chunks down a toilet. Walter, our junior designer, once chanced a couple of slices of pineapple, then spent the rest of the afternoon in the bathroom making ghost sounds. Ashley, our newest designer, took him bottles of water so he wouldn’t become dehydrated.
Oh, I should probably mention Ashley and Walter are now engaged. Walter proposed while they were shopping for an iRobot at Best Buy.
“That’s not exactly romantic, Walter.”
“I was going to do it earlier, while we were feeding the chickens, but my nephew kept throwing sticks at us.”
“What?”
“He’s really annoying. He goes to one of those special schools for kids who punch holes in walls.”
“Okay, but... chickens?”
“My auntie’s chickens. She has a farm.”
“And how is feeding chickens romantic?”
“It isn’t. Especially when someone’s throwing sticks at you.”
Update
A Hansel & Gretel style multi-grain bread and oatmeal temptation trail leading to the courtyard isn’t working, so the poster tube waving system has been reimplemented.
Walter also found a YouTube video of hawks squawking, so he's standing on top of a ladder holding his phone up while it plays. Ashley is instructing Walter to be careful as that’s always helpful. There’s no statistics on how many ladder accidents are avoided each year by being told to be careful, but it’s probably in the millions.
Update
Gary 1 has left the building. It was a combination of poster tube waving, clapping, yelling, hawk squawks, and a very surprised DHL courier opening the front door that finally convinced Gary 1 there might be better options outside. The courier looked more panicked than surprised really; it’s probably not something you mentally prep for when you enter a business, and I doubt they cover it in courier school.
“And that’s what you do when a dog chases you. Any questions? Yes Roger?”
“What if you enter a business and everyone’s clapping and yelling and waving poster tubes and there’s a guy on top of a ladder playing a YouTube video of a hawk squawking?”
“We’ve spoken about this, Roger. There are people here who want to learn and everyone’s getting a little tired of your nonsense.”
Update
We took a vote and are getting an office turtle. We’re going to name it Gary 2 and change Gary 2’s name to Gary 3.
