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Don't be fooled by the slight smile in Gary's profile photo. Gary never smiles. Walter, a junior designer at the agency I work for, had to Photoshop a smile onto the image because the original looked like Gary was about to sentence someone to death. Possibly for speaking badly about Billy Joel or referring to Gary's shoes as 'leather business slippers'.
Gary's jacket looks black in the above photo, but it's actually blue. And double-breasted. Who wears double-breasted jackets these days? Just Gary I think. He wears blue double-breasted jackets with brown trousers, and if you say anything about it, he replies, "You're the last person I'd ever take fashion advice from."
For a while I called him Thurston Howell, as in the guy from Gilligan's Island, but then I Googled Thurston Howell and I couldn't find any images of him wearing a double-breasted jacket with brown pants, so I'm not sure who I was thinking of now.
Also, I once asked Gary if he likes Gouda, and he said, "That's none of your business." I was just being polite, I don't give a fuck if Gary likes Gouda.
From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 23 February 2023 9.52am
To: All Staff
Subject: Signage
Good Morning,
As discussed in yesterday's production meeting, the male and female office toilets are now gender-neutral.
Maintenance will be replacing the current ‘mens’ and ‘ladies’ signs on Monday. My preference for ‘Whatever, just wash your hands’ was vetoed, so we're going with the attached graphic on both doors.
David
From: Gary Wright
Date: Thursday 23 February 2023 9.56am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Signage
I wasn’t part of that discussion. This is bullshit.
Gary
From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 23 February 2023 10.02am
To: Gary Wright
Subject: Re: Re: Signage
Gary,
As you chose not to attend the production meeting, your opinion on the matter is irrelevant.
I get that you spend 35% of your day in the bathroom, but that doesn’t entitle you to squatter’s rights.
David
From: Gary Wright
Date: Thursday 23 February 2023 10.07am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Signage
I spend less than 10 minutes in the bathroom and you’re not my timekeeper. I won’t be using the ladies bathroom. I’m not sitting next to their special tampon trashcan. They stink. Whose idea was this? Was it Mike's?
From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 23 February 2023 10.15am
To: Gary Wright
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Signage
Gary,
As the bathrooms are no longer gender-specific, there will be stinky special tampon trashcans in both.
I’m not sure who initially proposed the change but it was unanimously agreed upon. It’s a minor change that provides a non-discriminatory, inclusive environment for everyone. Except people in wheelchairs of course. It’s easy to change a couple of signs, but adding ramps isn’t in the budget. We agreed instead to just never take on clients in wheelchairs.
It was also agreed that feminine hygiene product dispensers should be installed in the bathrooms. Maintenance will install the dispensers and additional stinky special tampon trashcan when they do the signs.
David
From: Gary Wright
Date: Thursday 23 February 2023 10.19am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Signage
So now I have to sit between a tampon dispenser and a tampon trashcan? Why are we even doing this? None of our clients are shemales.
From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 23 February 2023 10.27am
To: Gary Wright
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Signage
I think the preferred term is transgender, Gary. This isn’t PornHub. And we do actually have transgender clients. Laura at [redacted] transitioned to female in 2020, and Keith and Maya at [redacted] identify as non-binary.
I understand the smallest inconvenience for you is an outrage you feel we all should share, but you survived the desegregation of public drinking fountains, so I’m sure you’ll make it through this. You’re welcome to discuss your tampon-based concerns at the next production meeting, but, just so you're aware, the female staff weren’t all that thrilled about you using their bathroom either. The term ’Gary splatters’ was used several times. Despite this, the decision for gender-neutral bathrooms was unanimous, so you’ll be arguing with those who have sacrificed way more than you’re being asked to.
Actually, I’ll make a note to bring up your concerns about being sandwiched between a tampon dispenser and stinky special tampon trashcan in the next production meeting - just in case you forget to. Yesterday's meeting was rather boring without someone being attacked. Jodie and Rebecca talked about wind chime tones for fifteen minutes and Melissa showed us photos of her trip to the Coca-Cola factory in Atlanta.
David
From: Gary Wright
Date: Thursday 23 February 2023 10.33am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Signage
Laura isn’t a transgender, she’s just ugly. There’s no need to bring it up in the next meeting. I guess I'll just have to put up with it.
From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 23 February 2023 10.38am
To: Gary Wright
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Signage
Gary,
You were at the lunch meeting with Laura last month when she discussed her transition. You asked if it had been difficult for her family. And her pets.
David
From: Gary Wright
Date: Thursday 23 February 2023 10.42am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Signage
I thought she meant transitioning from Upstate NY to Washington DC. She said she had to buy new furniture.
From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 23 February 2023 10.47am
To: Gary Wright
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Signage
That does explain the story you told about your cat refusing to come out from under the bed for a week after you replaced a sofa. When you excused yourself to use the restroom, I told Laura you have dementia and occasionally go off on bewildering tangents. That's why she asked you to show her photos of your cat when you got back.
David
From: Gary Wright
Date: Thursday 23 February 2023 10.51am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Signage
Cats don’t like change.
