Why is Nicole Kidman in anything?

I watched the movie Aquaman last night. It's pretty bad. It has the long-haired guy from Game of Thrones in it and every time he appears, he raises an eyebrow and a heavy riff goes, Dada DUM!. It happens thirty-six times in the first ten minutes.

I wouldn’t have even watched the movie if I’d known Nicole Kidman was in it. I don't remember seeing her in the trailer. She’s nobody’s favorite actress and her only decent role was Judy in the 1983 movie BMX Bandits. Wasn’t she married to Tom Cruise at some point? What an idiot. She must have a thing for short men because now she’s married to Keith Urban who is 3’2” and commonly mistaken for a sickly child.

“Hello, Nicole? Are you coming home soon?”
“Why, what’s up, Keith? I’m kind of busy, I’m playing a fish lady that lives in a lighthouse. A-list here I come.”
“I’m trapped under a kitchen sponge.”
“Again?”

Honestly, why is Nicole Kidman in anything? I don’t believe any director ever has stated, “You know who’d be perfect for this role? Nicole Kidman.” Perhaps she just turns up on sets uninvited like she does at red carpet events.

“And there’s Meryl Street looking absolutely gorgeous in a blue Karl Lagerfeld gown, perhaps we can...”
“G’day!”
“Oh, it’s Nicole Kidman. What a surprise.”
“Yes, I’m bonza excited to be here. Keith couldn’t join me this evening, because he’s working on a song about dusty paddocks, but he’s watching at home in Australia from his shoebox.”
“Okay, so if you could just head off that way...”
“I’m wearing Armani.”
“Look, I don’t mean to be rude, Nicole, but I’m going to need you to...”
“Yes, I’m extremely excited about my latest movie role. I play Aquaman’s mom.”
“Wait. You’re in the movie Aquaman? I don't remember seeing you in the trailer.”
“It’s my biggest role since penguin #28 in Happy Feet.”

It’s Tom Cruise’s fault really. If he’d hired better lawyers during the divorce, Nicole wouldn’t have the cash to fly to these events and bribe bouncers to let her in. She’d be doing Celebrity Big Brother and Australian Dancing With the Stars to make rent instead. How did Tom and Nicole even meet? Was it in that movie about Nascar? I bet it was.