My ears are hot. Do you ever get that? Hot ears?
If whining was an Olympic sport, our junior designer Walter would be on the front of Wheaties boxes. He’d whine about the photo Wheaties chose and tell everyone he actually sent them a better photo to use but they went with the one he didn’t like.
I enjoy a good whine myself but I’m not in Walter’s class. Walter whines about the colour of doorknobs, the stickiness of sticky tape, the size of buttons on calculators, the weight of pens, the elasticity of rubber bands, the slipperiness of soap... At least fifty percent of Walter’s working day is spent whining. I’ve no idea what percentage of his non-working time is spent whining because there’s no way I’d hang out after hours with someone who whines more than I do.
This morning, while Walter was whining about the thickness of the froth in his latte, I asked, “Do you ever stop whining?” and he replied, “What are you talking about? I never whine. I’m the most easy-going guy on the planet.”
As such, I’ve decided to make a record of every time Walter whines today. Technically some of these aren't whines, just whiny observations, but I've included them because it's hard to tell the difference:


"How loud is this light switch? Listen to it. That’s the loudest click I’ve ever heard. There’s no need for it to be that loud."


"I know someone sat at my desk because I never have my chair this high. It’s rude to change someone else’s chair height. Maybe I’ll just walk around and change everyone else’s chair height and see how they like it."


"Did the cleaner empty your waste bin? She didn’t empty mine. I know because there’s a banana peel in it and I haven’t had a banana since Monday."


"What’s wrong with this window? Guess I’m not allowed to have fresh air today."


"How am I meant to work with that bird making so much noise? Can you hear it? I think it’s a pigeon."


"What’s wrong with the Internet today?"


"My shirt is itchy. I think I might be allergic to Gain laundry detergent. Just the Island Fresh Flings though. The original scent Gain doesn’t make me itchy."


"When was the last time these blinds were dusted? Lucky nobody here has asthma. And there’s a dead bee. Wow."


"Did you see the email from Jodie about the kitchen sponge? She didn’t say my name but I know it’s directed at me. Fucking bitch needs to get a life."


"Oh no. My sock has made its way all the way down into my shoe. I’ll have to take my shoe off now."


"How is it always my job to change the water bottle? I’m not the only person who drinks water around here. Maybe I won’t change it. I’ll just bring in my own water."


"My ears are hot. Do you ever get that? Hot ears?"


"Great. There’s that bird again. I know it’s the same one because of the pitch."


"Ahhh. My leg’s gone to sleep. It’s because my chair height is all wrong. It’ll take me a week to get it back to the way I like it."


"I specifically said no avocado. If I was allergic to avocado I’d be dead by now. Or at least on my way to hospital. What’s wrong with people?"


"Have you ever noticed how low the ceilings are? It’s like being in a cave. They’re definitely lower than normal. I’m going to bring in my tape measure tomorrow."


"Why would anyone use this much tape on a box?"


"Ugh. I just burped and tasted avocado. I should have taken that sandwich back and thrown it at the lady who made it."


"Who keeps putting sticky notes on the whiteboard? The whiteboard isn’t for sticky notes. Stick them somewhere else. Anywhere else. That’s why they’re sticky."


"Is this a permanent marker? What idiot puts a permanent marker with the whiteboard markers? No, wait... it’s coming off. It’s just a bit dry."


"Is there any way to change the volume of the beeps on the photocopier? Why do we even have beeps? Could they be any more annoying? Is it in settings?"


"Is it just me or is it stuffy in here? Pity I can’t open my window."


"Oh my God. It’s only 2.30. I thought it was like 4 o’clock."


"How stupid is the word ‘recommend’? It’s impossible to spell"


"Fantastic. There goes my other sock. I bought an eight-pack of these so I guess that was a waste of twenty dollars."


"Guess it’s my turn to change the printer cartridge. It’s always my turn actually. Maybe I should just have my business card changed to Printer Cartridge Changer."


"Is that an ant? Great, now we’ve got ants."


"Who does Jodie think she is? Just give me the can of Raid and shut the fuck up. I don’t need a lecture about ants. I know more about ants than she ever will."


"Wow. Look how dirty this phone cover is. I’m never buying a yellow phone cover again. Not a silicon one anyway."


"Where’s my bike helmet? It was right here. I’m sick of people touching my stuff. Guess I’ll just have to ride home without a helmet and get knocked off my bike and get a head injury. Oh, here it is."


"Seriously, how loud is this light switch?"