"Anyone for tennis? No? Well we're playing tennis anyway."

Hello, my name is Holly and I love playing tennis. Not with David though, because he cheats. Once, while we were watching Jeopardy, he forgot to say, "What is" before answering the question but gave himself a point anyway. What’s wrong with some people? It isn't that hard - Alex gives you the answer and you answer with the question. Playing by the rules makes it more fun for everyone. Play it properly or go watch the television in the bedroom. I don't care if it hasn't got cable, it has the local channels. It's your choice.

INTRODUCTION TO TENNIS

An average game of tennis lasts twelve hours. This includes an hour hitting balls with a raquet, nine hours running after and picking up balls so that you can hit them again, and two hours arguing.

PREPARATION

Prior to each game, an injury should be prepared. It doesn't need to be dependant on the outcome as ,"You only won the game because of my sore ankle," works just as well as, "I won despite my sore ankle."

ATTIRE

Before each game, it's imperative to purchase a new outfit for yourself. If David cannot locate his tennis shorts, suggest he wear his yellow swimming trunks with the purple starfish on them because it’s just a game of tennis, nobody cares what he's wearing, and he’s not Andre Agassi

EQUIPMENT

It doesn’t matter what brand or quality the racquet is. It’s preferable that the racquet is not a recognised brand as this enables you to blame any lost points on it. Reiterate this to David by throwing the racquet in disgust several times per match and, when failing to return a shot, stare at the racquet with a look of disdain as if to say, "What the fuck racquet? What are you doing? That wouldn't have happened if you were the kind of racquet Andre Agassi uses.

After winning a point, declare that not only was it a point won, it was a point won with inferior equipment

SCORING

There are only four basic rules to scoring:

1. If David hits the shot in, then it is out and you get a point.
2. If David hits it out, then you get a point.
3. If at any point David asks what the score is, his inability to pay attention means you get three points.
4. Hitting balls over the fence gives you a few minutes to relax while David collects them, and two points.

A standard scoring sequence consists of "Fifteen love, fifteen all, forty love, I win."

It would make more sense to just make it the first to four but the game was invented by the British who only discovered consecutive numeric sequencing following the 1982 release of XTC's single Senses Working Overtime.

If David questions the accuracy of the score, this means he is cheating. Display disappointment at his inability to be trusted and point out that you should be used to his lies because of the time he told you the movie 28 Weeks Later was a romantic comedy.

SERVICE

Every serve David makes is out; being closer to the area that the ball was hit into means your view is the only one that can be trusted. All serves you make are in for exactly the same reason but opposite.

OBSTRUCTION

Obstruction is an integral component of every tennis match. If David hits a ball that you cannot return, calling out "obstruction" means the shot is void and must be made again. It doesn't matter what the obstruction is, a stick nearby or a dog that you saw on the side of the road the previous day will do. If David questions the validity of this rule, remind him that it's just a game and he’s not Andre Agassi.

GAME PLAY

A winning shot should be accompanied by a dance and admonishment of David if he does not agree the shot was possibly the greatest shot ever made in the history of tennis.

If you miss a shot, it's important for David to realise it isn't because he's playing well, it's because you don't care. Standard procedures include:

1. Hang on, David's serving, I'll put you on hold for a second.

2. Yes, I'm ready. Go ahead and serve.

3. Fuck this; I'm going home to watch Jeopardy.