Introduction to Tennis
Hello, my name is Holly and welcome to my guide to the exciting sport of tennis. Invented in 1976, tennis involves swinging racquets and hitting balls. It is also an exciting spectator sport, allowing people to watch other people swing racquets and hit balls.
Each game lasts for approximately four hours. Three hours of this consists of picking up the balls so that you can hit them again with a racquet. The remaining hour is spent arguing. Variations of tennis include golf and slip'n'slide.
There are only four basic rules to scoring: If David hits the shot in, then it is out and you get a point. If David hits it out, then you get a point. If at any point David asks what the score is, his inability to pay attention means you get three points.
Hitting balls over the fence gives you not only a few minutes to relax while David collects them, but also two points.
A standard scoring sequence consists of "Fifteen love, fifteen all, forty love, I win." It would make more sense to just make it the first to four but the game was invented by the British who only discovered consecutive numeric sequencing following the 1982 release of XTC's single Senses Working Overtime.
If David questions the accuracy of the score, this means he is cheating. Display disappointment at his inability to be trusted and point out that you should be used to his lies because of the time he told you the movie 28 Weeks Later was a romantic comedy.
Whether left handed, right handed or amphibious, it does not matter what brand or quality the racquet is, as long as it is pink. It is actually preferable that the racquet is not a recognised brand as this enables you to blame each lost point on it. Reiterate this to David by throwing the racquet in disgust several times per match and, when failing to return a shot, stare at the racquet with a look of disdain as if to say "What the fuck racquet? What are you doing? That wouldn't have happened if you were the kind of racquet Andre Agassi uses."
After winning a point, point out the fact that not only was it a point won, it was a point won with inferior equipment.
Before each game, it is imperative to purchase a new outfit. Your top should match the sneakers and shorts should match the socks. If a headband is worn, it should match the racquet which should match the top, sneakers, shorts and socks.
If David cannot locate his shorts, suggest he wear his yellow swimming trunks with the palm trees and starfish on them because it is just a game of tennis, nobody will be there to see him and he is not Andre Agassi.
Prior to each game, an injury description should be prepared. It does not need to be dependant on the outcome as "You only won the game because of my possibly broken leg" works just as well as "I won despite my possibly broken leg."
Every serve David makes is out. Being closer to the area that the ball was meant to be hit into means your view is the only one that can be trusted and he just thought it was in because he is "looking at it from further away and on the wrong angle." All serves you make are in for exactly the same reason.
If David mentions that you are not wearing your glasses, state that your vision is clear enough to see through his lies.
Obstruction is an integral component of every tennis match. When David serves a ball that you simply cannot be bothered attempting to reach, calling out "obstruction" means the shot is void and must be made again.
It doesn't matter what the obstruction is, a stick nearby or a dog that you saw on the side of the road the previous day while driving to work will do. If David questions the validity of this rule, remind him that it is just a game and that he is not Andre Agassi.
A winning shot should be accompanied by a small dance and admonishment if David does not agree the shot was possibly the greatest shot ever made in the history of not only tennis, but all sports.
A winning shot by David should be met with statements such as "The sun was in my eyes" or "Nobody likes you, you do realise that don't you." and a look such as the one you use when you ask him to drive to the shop to get sour cream for the nachos and he comes back with a twelve pack of Bic lighters and a folding chair.
If you are losing the game, it is important that David realises it is not because he is playing well, it is because you don't care. Standard procedures include:
Hang on, David's serving, I'll put you on hold for a second.
Yes, I'm ready. Go ahead and serve.
Fuck this, I'm going home to watch Jeopardy.
Game, Set, Match
Convention dictates that players shake hands after the match unless you have lost in which case giving the finger is acceptable.
If you have won the match, request another. If you have lost, due to the racquet not being the kind Andre Agassi uses and your leg hurting, state that you wish to leave. Do not speak to David on the drive home.
Play the Dixie Chicks CD.