Strata rules exist for the benefit and well-being of all residents.
If I had a large backyard, I’d probably have a thousand pets but I don't have any due to my Strata agreement and the whole pets needing to be fed and walked thing.
There’s a park across the road from my apartment where people walk their dogs but the last time I walked though it, I was offered fifty dollars by an old guy wearing clogs to provide a sexual act. Which was flattering but I pretended I had a meeting to go to. I’m not getting on my knees in a public toilet and sucking off an old guy wearing clogs for anything less than seventy-five.
I did have a goldfish named (posthumously) Stinky who lived in a coffee mug for a few weeks. My offspring won him at the Royal Adelaide Show by tossing three rings onto milk bottles. We couldn’t go on any rides after that because we had a goldfish. When Stinky died, I took him to work and hid him in Simon’s desk drawer. Simon complained for two weeks about an odd smell and then I guess Stinky just dried out and stopped smelling. When Simon discovered Stinky several months later, he thought it was a moldy dried apricot.



From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 10.16am
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,
Thank you for your letter concerning pets in my apartment.
I understand having dogs in the apartment is a violation of the agreement due to the comfort and wellbeing of my neighbours and I am currently soundproofing my apartment with egg cartons as I realise my dogs can cause quite a bit of noise. Especially during feeding time when I release live rabbits.
Regards, David
From: Helen Bailey
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 11.18am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Pets in the building

Hello David
I wish to remind you that the agreement states that no animals are allowed in the building regardless whether your apartment is soundproofed.
How many dogs do you have at the premises?
Helen
From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 1.52pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,
Currently only eight but one is expecting. I’m hoping for a litter of ten as this is the number required to participate in dog sled racing. I’ve read every Jack London novel in preparation and have constructed my own sled.
I've also devised a plan which should ensure first place in the dog sled championships: For the first year of their lives, I intend to chase the puppies around the apartment while yelling, “Mush!” and hitting saucepan lids together. I estimate the soundproofing of my apartment should block out 40% of the noise and, when I yell, Mush!" on race day, the panic and released adrenaline will spur them on to victory.
I’m so confident of this plan that I intend to sell both my pigs the day before the race and bet the proceeds on coming first.
Regards, David
From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 9.43am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

David,
Do you have pets in the apartment or not?
Helen
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 11.27am
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
Dear Helen,

No. The ducks in the bathroom are not mine.
The noise which my neighbours mistook for a dog in the apartment is just a looping tape of dogs barking to deter burglars from breaking in and stealing my Tupperware. I need it to keep food fresh. I once ate leftover Chinese that had been kept in an unsealed container and experienced complete awareness. I tried it again the next night but only experienced chest pains and diarrhea.
Regards, David
From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 1.46pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

David
You can’t play sounds of dogs or any noise at a volume that disturbs others. You also can't have ducks in the apartment. If it was a small bird that would be allowed.
Helen
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 2.18pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,
They’re very small ducks.
Regards, David

From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 4.06pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

David, under section 4 of the Strata Residency Agreement, it states you cannot have pets. These rules exist for the benefit and well-being of all residents in the building including yourself and you agreed to these rules when you signed the forms.

Helen
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 5.02pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,
The ducks will be flying south for the winter soon so it won't be an issue. It’s probably for the best as they aren't getting along well with my honey badger.
Regards, David
From: Helen Bailey
Date: Monday 25 May 2009 9.22am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

David, I'm just going to write on the forms that we have investigated and you do not have any pets.
Helen