You don't respect the property lines and you let your dogs run wild and smoke pot.

When my wife Holly and I are arguing, I'll double down rather than admit I'm in the wrong. Sometimes I'll triple or quadruple down. It doesn’t matter what the argument is about; we once didn’t speak for two days because I wouldn’t accept that the blonde girl who plays Piper in Orange is the New Black isn’t the same girl from the movie Clueless.

Just a few months ago, I ordered a pair of pants online. Nowhere in the description did it state they were 'skinny' and the huge pleats around the crotch weren't noticeable in the photos. When I tried them on, my lower half looked like a pumpkin stuck on two poles.

I intended to return them, but forgot and missed the 30 day window. When Holly complained that it was a waste of money, I stated that I actually liked the pants a lot and had changed my mind about returning them. They were, in fact, my favorite pants. I wore them to Olive Garden that night. The left leg seam gave out as I climbed into a booth, which was quite disappointing as they were the best pants in the world and, really, it was Holly's fault for making me decide to wear them that night when I'd actually been saving them for a special occasion. I ordered another pair.

From: David Thorne
Date: Saturday 19 August 2017 10.07am
To: Carl Mishler
Subject: Sign

Hello Carl,

Hope you are doing well. I saw an ambulance at your place Thursday night and thought you may have died but I see you've mowed since then.

As you know, we listed our house for sale this week.

Our agent has organized two showings for tomorrow evening and, as such, I was wondering if you'd mind removing the large Trump/Pence sign from your front yard? It's been several months since Trump won the election and I doubt anybody requires further convincing of what an outstanding choice he was.

Regards, David

From: Carl Mishler
Date: Saturday 19 August 2017 12.29pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Sign

I told you not to email me again

From: David Thorne
Date: Saturday 19 August 2017 12.37pm
To: Carl Mishler
Subject: Re: Re: Sign

Hello Carl,

I assumed that was only in regard to the HOA fees. And the bonfire. I accepted responsibility for it getting out of hand and offered compensation for your myrtle.

Regards, David

From: Carl Mishler
Date: Saturday 19 August 2017 6.22pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Sign

No its everything. Ive got a right to have a sign in my own yard. And yhy would i know your selling your house I couldnt care less. Good riddance.

From: David Thorne
Date: Saturday 19 August 2017 6.51pm
To: Carl Mishler
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Sign

Hello Carl,

My mistake. While making coffee this morning, I watched from the kitchen window as you made your way to the realtor sign in front of our house and took a printed sales sheet from the plastic display unit. The sheets include photos, details and pricing of our property but it's entirely possible you may have mistaken the information for boat-building instructions or a sewing pattern. I'll address the issue with the realtor - maybe have them add a large starburst and a photo of a Dancing With the Stars contestant.

I understand you have a right to share your political preferences with passing vehicles and I'm not asking you to remove the Trump/Pence sign permanently. In fact, putting it back up after we've sold the house will save the new owners months of wondering if they made the right decision.

Regards, David

From: Carl Mishler
Date: Sunday 20 August 2017 8.43am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Sign

Myabe you shoudl find something better to do than spying on people Im not taking down my sign. Why would i do you any favors? You dont respect the property lines and you let your dogs run wild and smoke pot. nobody wants you here. theres been 4 complaints at the HOA meetings about you riding ATVs on the street. Probably when your high. We had a friendly village atmopsphere before you moved here.

From: David Thorne
Date: Sunday 20 August 2017 9.25am
To: Carl Mishler
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Sign

Carl,

Firstly, our dogs don't smoke pot. Laika just isn't into it and Banksy will lose his forklift license if he tests positive at work.

Secondly, it's a subdivision, Carl, not a village - you're the subdivision idiot. Besides, nobody wants to live in a village. I've seen them in movies, there's pigs and goats everywhere and everyone has to run when the King's swordsmen ride through.

Our letterbox is at the entry to the subdivision which is too far to walk and too close to drive so I take the ATV. At least it gives you something to discuss at the meetings apart from how much you all love Consumer Cellular.

I simply assumed you'd begrudgingly facilitate a simple request that may increase the likelihood of us no longer being neighbors. It's not as if I asked you to remove the plastic wishing-well with the huge neon $39.95 General Dollar sticker - or the cast-iron single bed frame you turned into a flowerbed on your front lawn. It looks like a child's grave, Carl. Nobody is driving past your house and declaring, "Oh look, that's a creative use of a child's bed, the owner must be a professional landscape designer." They're shuddering and locking the doors.

Would you consider covering the sign with a tarp?

Regards, David

From: Carl Mishler
Date: Sunday 20 August 2017 3.02pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Sign

Im not covering it with anything. Ive got a right have a sign on my own property and Im proud of our president. Trump has done more for this country already than th elibtards ever did.

From: David Thorne
Date: Sunday 20 August 2017 3.49pm
To: Carl Mishler
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Sign

Carl,

I never stated otherwise. Suggesting, as some may, that Trump is anything other than a man of integrity, empathy and intelligence, shows little faith, if not contempt, in the judgment and values of the people who voted for him. Nobody would purposely elect an uneducated narcissistic sociopath to represent the people of the United States, to say, "This is our best. This is who we are." It would just be embarrassing.

Rather than bickering over politics, we should all sit down together, perhaps over a plate of squirrel at your place, and discuss what we are going to do with the shit-ton of coal we're all going to have once the mines are opened again. My suggestion, for what it's worth, is to pile it up along the Mexican border and set it alight. Let's see anyone get over that. In addition, rounding up and forcing the LGBT community, atheists, muslims, non-whites, and baby murderers to work in the mines would free up millions of real jobs. Angry Bob from Hazard, Kentucky could finally move out of his double-wide and take that management position at a H&M in Seattle he's always longed for.

I wasn't questioning your right to display a sign and I do understand your reluctance to remove it; it's a double down thing:

A Clinton landslide was predicted and the 'libtards' gloated, so it was perfectly reasonable for you to gloat in November. Sure, Trump's played a bit of golf since then and each and every promise has been abandoned, diluted, or blocked by the courts or his own party, but this is, of course, entirely the fault of biased liberal media. We'd all be living in solid gold RVs and eating at Denny's every night by now if they'd just let him do his job.

Admitting, "Fuck, we elected an absolute dickhead, sorry about that." simply isn't an option because it's still your turn to gloat goddammit.

Regards, David

From: Carl Mishler
Date: Monday 21 August 2017 11.40am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Sign

Boohoo Im sad because Trump won. get over it snowflake. Libtads had there chance and what have we got to show for it? queers getting married and using the ladies toilets. this used to be a great country and it will be again.

The signs staying up. End of conversation And keep your dogs out of my yard. Im going to throw a party when you leave.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 August 2017 12.18pm
To: Carl Mishler
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Sign

Carl,

I've lived here three years and the only person I've ever seen visit you is the guy who fixed your mower last year.

Is the party just going to be you and the mower guy standing around admiring each other's red hat and reminiscing about when, for a dime, you could take your sweetie to the matinee and buy sodas at the drug store afterwards - possibly with enough left over for a funnel-cake to share at the local park during that evening's Negro hanging?

Regardless, you'll be pleased to learn we have received and accepted an offer on our property this morning. I'm sure you'll get along well with the new owners, Mike and Taylor. I'm not sure what Mike does for a living but Taylor runs a caligraphy business from home so if you'd like a hand-written invite for your party, he's your man.

Regards, David

From: Carl Mishler
Date: Monday 21 August 2017 1.54pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Sign

MAKE AMERICA GRET AGAIN

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