There is motion at your front door.
Earlier this month, Holly purchased approximately four-hundred pumpkins for the front porch so that people driving past our house can say, “Fuck that’s a lot of pumpkins.”
Someone stole one last week. Perhaps to make soup with. On Monday, we had one of those Ring Video Doorbell systems installed. It cost two-hundred-dollars but apparently that's a small price to pay to be protected from pumpkin bandits.
I work from home a lot and Holly has access to the Ring on her phone while she’s at work so, yesterday, I received texts every few minutes letting me know that, “The mail just came,” and, “There’s a cat outside.”
As I've been accused of exaggeration before, here’s a complete list of yesterday's’ security updates:

9.17am

“Can you clean the Ring lens please? It’s blurry.”

9.22am

“That’s better. Thank you.”

9.24am

“Stand in the driveway and wave.”

9.26am

“Did you cut your hair?”

10.16am

“Squirrel on the porch!”

10.18am

“Never mind, it’s gone now.”

10.21am

“We should trim the bushes in the front yard.”

10.26am

“UPS delivered a box. What did you order? Is it shoes?”

10.42am

“We should get a bird-feeder.”

10.44am

“The mail came.”

11.06am

“Has the Ring frozen?”

11.08am

“Never mind. I just saw a car drive past.”

11.28am

“There’s a cat outside.”

11.34am

“It’s still there.”

11.39am

“I saw you put a piece of tape over the lens.”

11.43am

“Can you take it off please?”

1.22pm

“I’m serious.”

1.43pm

“I’m getting really angry.”

2.02pm

“Thank you.”

2.07pm

“Can you move that please? Where did you even get a cardboard cutout of Jonah Hill?”