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The "adventurous outdoors type with a love of watersports and everything outdoors"

Having received a love letter from Lesley in regards to the page featuring Bababada, I had a quick glance through his personal website.
The website, written by Lesley, about Lesley and featuring several photos of Lesley, describes Lesley as "...the adventurous outdoors type with a love of watersports and everything outdoors."
Wasps are outdoors Lesley, do you love wasps? Fuse boxes? Open cut mining? Pedestrian crossings?

Things that people have emailed me that are outdoors and therefore Lesley loves:

Traffic lights
Prickles
Litter
A bus
My sister Amanda
Flies
Cigarette butts
Land mines
Homeless people
Sticks
Grandma
Dark alleyways
Bins
A parking meter
Opera in the park
Feral cats
Playgrounds
Dust
Used condoms
Fat people at hot dog stands
Blowfish
A dead Hedgehog
Construction workers
Snipers
Shade
Airborne viruses
Mandy says Toilets
A box
Shoes because of the carpet
A Wading Pool
Graveyards
Children on a field trip
Astro-turf®
Lesley
Indians on public transport
Land Fill
Holes in fences
Sheep droppings
Tether Ball
Starving 3rd world children
A used syringe
My poodle Benny
Quicksand
Lawn Sausages
Cody Smith
For Sale signs
Boy Scouts
Peeping Toms
Lawn furniture
Flagpoles
Television Antenna's
Owl pellets
Street walkers
Forest fires
Techno Viking (?)
Public Toilets
Yellow Snow
Dirty Redfern Locals
Alan Titchmarsh
Vomit outside a pub
Speed bumps
Lost kittens
Free Candy Vans
Cement
Garden Gnomes
Granite
From: Les Copeland
Date: Thursday 15 Jan 2009 4.19pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Poor black boy

What kind of a complete fucking moron makes fun of starving children? What a pathetic attempt at humour. I have spent time in third world countries and seen children starving with my own eyes and I think you seriously need to grow the fuck up.
Les
From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 15 Jan 2009 6.41pm
To: Les Copeland
Subject: Re: Poor black boy

Dear Lesley,
Thank you for your kind email, I am glad you enjoyed the website. In answer to your question, no I cannot send you a photo of myself without a shirt on. I have however attached this photo of a mouse riding on a toads back. It is a visual metaphor for how you must have felt writing that last email; magnanimous, the world on your shoulders and moist.
Regards, David.


From: Les Copeland
Date: Friday 16 Jan 2009 10.28am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Poor black boy

Are you fucking retarted? Where did I ask for a photo of you? I wrote to you about the poor black boy page. As If I would want a photo of someone who thinks starving children are funny.
You need a punch in the head. And my name isnt Lesley moron. Tell me where you live and we will see how fucking funny you are.
Les
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 16 Jan 2009 11.02am
To: Les Copeland
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Poor black boy

Dear Lesbian,
Thankyou for your request but I regret that I am unable to provide you with an address as I am homeless. Please send money and/or Lego. I have been collecting lego blocks for nearly four years now as I intend to build my own home. I currently have exactly 1,692,008 blocks of various sizes and only need another 4,836,029 to complete plans of constructing a four bedroom home with sunken lounge and indoor swimming pool. Prior plans to build a home from seawater were abandoned due to physics.
The advantages of using lego blocks over traditional building methods, in regards to durability and gaiety of colour, are without question. The only issues are finding a block of land that has a flat green plastic base and gaining council approval but that should not prove a major obstacle as my local member of parliament, Kate Ellis, planet Earth's sexiest space politician, is not adverse to a bribe. Kate Beckinsale is the only other attractive lesbian politician I can think of. The rest are just appalling.
Regards, David.
P.S. I have attached a photo of Kate Ellis as a sexy space girl in case you do not know who she is.

Kate Ellis Space Politician
From: Les Copeland
Date: Saturday 17 Jan 2009 2.09pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poor black boy

I have no idea who the fuck that is and it wouldnt suprise me if you were homeless loser. spending your time writing shit like that instead of getting a real job like a grown up what are you 15? Did your mummy buy you the computer you are using? Why dont you turn off your computer and go outdoors there is a whole world out there. and Les is short for Lester moron. I seriously want to punch you in the fucking face.
From: David Thorne
Date: Saturday 17 Jan 2009 2.37pm
To: Les Copeland
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poor black boy

Dear moLester,
I appreciate the suggestion but dislike the outdoors, it has bees and sharp sticks in it. Once, when I went camping with my sister and brother, my sister became angry at a comment I made regarding her girth and drove off leaving us stranded two hundred and thirty kilometres from the nearest McDonalds. By the third day we tried eating grass and fought over a small lizard on the fourth. If you and I had known each other then, you could have arranged an emergency Unicef food parcel drop. As it was, we survived only by making love to keep warm and building a vehicle out of our clothing which enabled us to reach the nearest town where we danced for food.
You and I should go camping together some time as you seem like an adventurous, outdoors kind of guy with a love of watersports and everything outdoors. I read somewhere about a father and son who went camping and during the night a tree branch fell on their tent killing the child so I always sleep the furthest distance possible from my son when we are camping together. Safety first. You would be a handy person to have along in case we became lost as we could use your Village People moustache as kindling to create a signal fire and your naturally reflective surface to alert search planes.
In regards to getting a real job, my current position as assistant to the managing assistant in charge of envelopes fills much of my spare time and I have been promised a promotion to assistant to the assistant manager in charge of assistants within ten years. The corporate stepladder has my name on every rung.
Also, I understand your need to assert yourself physically, I too can only experience true intimacy through pain. As I have ventured onto your website and seen your photo, my only requirement would be that we keep the lights off as imagination has it's limits. I have had worse of course, my last girlfriend was the poster girl for 'love is blind' and my current partner is overseas at the moment so the only intimacy in my life involves a stick of salami and the neigbors dog when Glenda & Frank go out Tuesday nights. Once when they arrived home early due to an arguament between them regarding Frank's internet usage, I hid in their wardrobe for four days. As I could see Frank using his computer from my hiding position, I can vouch for his denials to Glenda's accusations that he was "looking at girls on the intenet". He was looking at photos of her. No not really, it was men.
To prime myself for your proximity, I have printed your photo out and have it sitting on the couch next to me while we watch a DVD together. Occassionally, I throw an M&M at you and pretend you giggle and tell me to stop it. We are watching Nanny Mcphee which always makes me cry. The bit at the end where her wedding dress materialises out of snow is simply beautiful but my favourite scene is where the robots turn on their human masters.
Regards, David.
From: Les Copeland
Date: Saturday 17 Jan 2009 6.41pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poor black boy

Your a complete idiot. Dont email me again.
From: David Thorne
Date: Saturday 17 Jan 2009 6.57pm
To: Les Copeland
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poor black boy

ok
From: Les Copeland
Date: Saturday 17 Jan 2009 7.02pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poor black boy

Fuck off


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