Articles

Exciting investment opportunity

As there is no money in graphic design or writing, I have decided on a different career path and am inviting investors to participate in an exciting investment opportunity that promises guaranteed returns in a ready market.



UPDATE:
This page has undergone a minor edit due to a request by Police

Business Plan

$5120.00 in raised capital is required. $5000.00 of which is to purchase cats. The extra $120.00 will go towards purchasing a metal briefcase to put the cats in. Like the ones you see in movies. I have not decided on what kind of cats yet but whatever young people are doing these days. I will then sell the cats at a profit and investors will be offered the profits back.
I once drove two hours to buy cats for fifty dollars that turned out to be parsley which I could have purchased from my local supermarket for around two dollars. This indicates not only a ready and willing market, but a markup of 2400% on the initial investment.
I also once paid twenty dollars for cats which had almost no effect. Many years later, I was told by the person who sold it to me that it was actually a dried up raisin they had found under the couch and had needed the money for cigarettes.

Return on Investment

Using the above formula of 2400% return, investors can expect a minimum $1200.00 return on a $50.00 initial investment.




Purchase and Testing

Once the capital has been raised, I will advertise that I am in the market for a large amount of cats and have the funds to cover such. The small country village where I live, Adelaide, is rather barren at the moment and recent efforts to obtain cats have proven futile. As such, I may have to travel to Singapore or Thailand to purchase them.
I will test all cats offered prior to purchase.
I once purchased several cats that looked suspiciously like Pez. After testing one and feeling nothing despite waiting at least five minutes, I ate the remainder. A short time later, I found myself at an all night outdoor rave dancing to Paul Oakenfold and hugging what appeared to be animatronic Goodwill store manikins flagging down aircraft. At some point during the night I had my face painted with what I assume was meant to depict a dragon in full flight breathing fire but looked more like a child's drawing of a duck vomiting blood. Awakening somehow at home the next day, inside a fort I had constructed from seat cushions and a shower curtain, it took a four hour bath to remove the smell of damp arts-degree students and patchouli oil.

Raised Capital
as of December 2011

Current Investors

$101.00

Alistair McGregor shares the same love for police as I do

$100.00

David Townsend is a huge cat lover ...wait ...what?

$51.00

   

Pete Mardell is sporting a snappy new T-shirt forex mail

$50.00

   

Steve Robbins is happy to invest in cats rather than cats

$50.00

Joseph Kwong has vision

$50.00

Frank Mulcahy can sleep on my couch anytime

$33.33

Sean Bond is an American backpacker who enjoys South Australian cat expeditions.

$32.21

Daniel Crowley says his mate Wade would like people to say 'meow' to him on twitter

$31.00

Nexus Hut

$30.00

David Lambert is going to be rolling in cats

$30.00

Jari Lahdenpera

$30.00

Andrew Sheerin wants the new street cat called cats.

$27.66

Jon Witte

$27.60

Simon J Barron deserves a gold star for his vision

$26.00

Aernout Hoesintalib

$25.00

Kathryn Reeves knows an opportunity when she sees it

$25.00

Richard Hindle went out with my cousin from Adelaide

$25.00

Marc Eberhart is expecting negative ROI on this investment

$20.00

Adam Barker Is also from Adelaide and hates cyclists

$20.00

Anthony Milazzo was in the series Charmed I think.

$17.00

James Wilson hasn't entered any instructions.

$16.66

Michael Doni can now lick his elbows.

$15.00

Marc Sallent Aspa deserves a link for his choice.

$15.00

Erik Zimmerman could have bought an Enya CD with that

$15.00

Damien Donnelly loves cats and is keeping it real

$15.00

Matthew Parkes

$15.00

Captain Savvy thinks I am a hot bitch

$14.01

Vernon Schleyer has a death metal band name

$13.38

William Wilson

$13.37

Joel Sia

$13.37

Bluelinks Media LLC wants some leet cats.

$12.38

Hartford Group Pty Ltd

$12.34

Morgan Tocker

$12.22

Aqua Vitae Day Spa gave me a full body wax

$12.11

Hannu Alen

$12.00

Cori Hertz it's true

$11.54

Singularity Media knows a cheap way to get a link

$11.03

Mirco Blaser wants me to write something about square cats.

$10.00

Dolphin Promotions just got a cheap link as well.

$10.00

Charles Fearnhead

$10.00

Xarxa de les Valls Marquet S.L.

$10.00

Joseph Provo wants his cats trained to eat policemen

$10.00

Domenick Bartuccio

$10.00

Shelagh McNally wants to buy Officer Harding some cats

$10.00

Keith Davis knows a foolproof plan when he sees it

$10.00

Nick Pospisil

$10.00

Samone Cottenceau plans to use the profits for a boob job

$10.00

Scott Effland wants Samone's before and after pics

$10.00

Lois Dekker

$10.00

Michael Mitchell is waiting patiently for his cat

$10.00

Christopher Masto

$10.00

Kirsten Yoder does not appreciate Star Wars jokes

$10.00

Brendan Brankin

$10.00

Dustin Smith knows where to get quality black market cats

$10.00

Ben Roscouet

$10.00

Jan Rezac is an eastern europe cat lover

$9.99

Jarek Zukowski "So where can i pick up my giant cat?"

$9.75

Gemma bowman's cat is old and fat

$9.00

Danny Wu invested because he wants a link to this

$8.00

Mark Bielik is from Dallas where the cats are bigger

$8.00

Dougall Johnson hopes this covers the flight to Thailand

$7.81

Nathan Loofbourrow saw a hole in the list around here

$7.50

John Spier

$7.50

Jon Firman has scotch. Don't panic.

$7.13

Robert Holloway

$6.88

Evan Kowalski joined track & tield to impress the love of his life

$6.66

Sharon Moar listens to too much Iron Maiden

$6.66

Mark Densley wants to smoke cat

$6.06

Justin Wignall "is this the facebook login page?"

$6.00

Jeremy Bowell would like to buy whatever SA is not selling

$5.98

Elliott Doolittle is bitching about his link dissapearing

$5.97

Roland Huddleston

$5.12

Peter Balsillie

$5.12

David Hill meant to donate $0.512

$5.03

Jeff Dawes

$5.00

Daria Lockwood sent funds from a SA Police Credit Union savings account. LOL.

$5.00

Pat McGroyn

$5.00

Sarah Burns is in on her piece of cat

$5.00

Martin Leach

$5.00

Soujanya Naidu is a cat and waiting to be used apparently?

$5.00

Nicolas Estrem

$5.00

Tim Lucas adores cats and has thirty four of them

$5.00

the Oxygen Kiosk

$5.00

Marko Ristaniemi wanted to see his name in the internetz.

$5.00

Stephanie Mason owns the worlds largest collection of tin

$5.00

Gregoire Kauffmann "It's caturday :3 !"

$5.00

Katherine Scott is spokesperson for the ASPCA

$5.00

Steve Barrett loves cats and is a bitchin design god

$5.00

Melanie Franklin is a huge fan of cats

$5.00

Colin Elves has heard every joke. And lives in a tree.

$5.00

Crystal Fugate

$5.00

Sal Urena All the bitches in the house say b'gawk!

$5.00

Andrew Abrahamson

$5.00

Wesley Knowles has always wanted a big cat

$5.00

Paul Fortescue want's to know when he gets his cats

$5.00

Paul Hunt still gets jokes about his name

$5.00

Thomas Wills

$5.00

Alexander Rakoczy wants to build a cat-pyramid

$5.00

Kim Monaghan is doing it for the kids

$5.00

John Cappello

$5.00

Estee Lewis is a broke-ass attorney looking to invest

$5.00

Joseph Lavender does not smell like an old lady

$5.00

Michael Goodwin is waiting on funds from a Nigerian prince

$5.00

Vanita Nair will apparently do anything for me

$5.00

Danny Tomasi

$5.00

Gregory Galstad refuses to participate in any trial

$5.00

David Ogilvy is tripping on an Acid Tab(by Cat)

$5.00

Shannon R. Morris understands David is pretty cheap

$0.01

Ryan Green is a cheaparse bitch

Further information

If you have any questions regarding this exciting investment opportunity or have cats that you would like to sell, contact me by two way radio or by clicking here.


Contact

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