This article is about frogs. I thought I would have a lot more to write about frogs because I quite like them but I became bored writing about frogs so just made up facts about frogs instead.
The Brazilian Jungle Frog can mimic human speech and grows to the size of a small child.
Mud Frogs can live for up to eighty years but spend all this time in hibernation under dried river mud.
Frogs have excellent reception and can be used in place of your standard television aerial.
While frogs have a varied diet, which includes nuts and corn, their favourite meal is the cheese quesadilla from Applebee's for $6.69.
Due to the fact that frogs do not require oxygen and can withstand extreme pressures, they can often be found searching the ocean floor for their second favourite food, krill. These deep sea abilities make the frog a perfect companion for skin divers as part of the buddy system.
Frogs can be taught to weld.
Frozen frogs make a healthy and fun addition to any kid's school lunch box.
There are approximately eighteen thousand varieties of frogs but most fall into one of three categories: the big frog, the little frog and the black bear. As the chart below shows, there is a frog in the United States, one in what looks like Japan and a really big one in Africa.
Placed between tissue paper and under heavy books for a few weeks, a dried frog makes a stunning broach.
Frogs are extremely territorial and protect their nests by attending neighbourhood watch meetings.
Frogs prefer contemporary furniture over traditional. A pile of empty flatpack IKEA boxes at the base of a tree is a sure sign that a frog nest is present.
When blended, frogs make an excellent energy drink containing 92% of recommended daily vitamin intake.
When I was about ten, my best friend Dominic and I would go down to the creek at the end of our street and play. The creek contained thousands of tadpoles and you could easily find several frogs by lifting rocks.
Speaking of my best friend Dominic, he lived just five minutes from my house with grape vines between the houses. One day he called me to come over and I left right away. As I was walking through the grapevines, I received what felt like a large push from behind and almost fell, when I turned around to confront the person who had pushed me, there was nobody there. I continued to Dominic's house and he asked where I had been because I had left my house almost four hours earlier. True story. I have, to this day, no knowledge of where the four hours went but I think I walked through some kind of temporal distortion field, possibly to a far off future where I met my soul mate, grew old together and was then given the choice after she died to return to my own time, the moment I left, with no memory of my future life. This is obviously the most likely explanation.
We would take a frog and insert one of those thin fruit box straws into its anus and blow it up like a balloon. We would then put the frog onto the water and let go and watch it speed across the creek. Sometimes the frogs would burst as we were blowing them up.
As the creeks were teeming with the tadpoles we classed this as no more cruel and unnecessary as throwing the tadpoles at each other from each side of the creek in what we called tadpole wars. One day we threw frogs at cars driving past but were chased by a lady so we didn't do that again. Once, after reading that licking toads would make you high, we dared each other to swallow frogs live. On one occasion my mother opened the freezer to find eighteen frozen frogs because I had been told that they could be frozen and then revived.
A couple of years ago I was in the area with my son and we went to the creek but there were no frogs or tadpoles in it. This could be because they have all died out from pollution over the years but I prefer to think that they are fine and remembered me through some form of inherited group memory and hid. We did find a shopping trolley though which entertained my son for about an hour so that was good.
New book release.
That's Not How You Wash a Squirrel by David Thorne is available now.