Hello, my name is Emily and I have more edges than you do.

You probably have 2 or 3 edges, maybe 8 at most, but I have 136.
To express my abundance of edges, I have commissioned some of the most talented tattoo artists in the world to transform my body into a work of art.
If I'd been born a hundred years ago, Van Go would have said, "Sorry Mr Cistern, I'm not interested in painting your ceiling, Emily has a bare spot on her back and requires an American Native Indian crying because his children have smallpox blankets."
Here are just a few of my tattoos - I can't show you the Mr Peanut on my left breast or the two raccoons fighting over scraps between my thighs, but these should hold you over until I die and my skin is displayed at the Loover.

Morton Salt

The Morton Salt logo expresses my attitude on life perfectly; go ahead, pour salt on me, I don't care, I have an umbrella. I could have had an exact copy of the logo done but that wouldn't have been art. The tattooist who did this for me, Hawktalon, is a creative genius and his artistic interpretation could be compared to a Paul Picasso painting. I'm going to commission more work from him when he gets out of prison.


I had this tattoo done to commemorate my job promotion to Assistant Chef (pancake press #17, shift 3) at iHop. Like a DJ Escher drawing, the gifted tattooist used clever shading techniques to create depth and dimension. Also, if anyone knows what the lump in the lower right is, please let me know. It's about an inch across, weeps constantly, and is very itchy.


I've always been a fan of beautiful calligraphy. The proficient calligraphatologist who created this flowing work of art on my wrist also painted the twelve-foot-wide Live, Love, Laugh wall mural above the futon sofa-bed in my living room. The mural adds value to the house so I'm not sure what my landlord's issue is.


Wendy is a personal hero of mine. What other ten-year-old do you know of that has started their own successful hamburger franchise? As if channeling Leonardo DiCaprio, the incredibly talented artist who inked this masterpiece captured Wendy's innocence and go-get-em-girl attitude perfectly.The smaller tattoo in the left of the photo is a chicken nugget.


My tattoos are not just artistic masterpieces, each one tells a story. This story is about loss and the importance of using vanishing points to create perspective.

Dolphin with barbed wire in his mouth

This stunning artwork on my bicep is a clever twist on the classic 'dove holding a sprig of basil' symbol. Graceful and playful but with a chance of tetanus, it symbolizes me to a tee. The artist who created this beautiful work died recently which was a sad blow to the art world. When I heard he'd been stabbed under the bridge where he lived, I had the teardrop added.


Reminiscent of Andy Wahlberg's pop art style, I have this portrait of my cat Daenerys on my lower back. Usually just the top half of Daenerys is peeking over the top of my underwear as if to say, "Hey there," but I wore my briefs low for this photo so you could see the incredible detail in its entirety.

Joey Ramone

I'm probably the biggest fan of The Ramones on the planet. I don't care much for their music but I own four of their T-shirts. I have this tattoo below the nape of my neck and when I tense and relax my shoulder blades rapidly, it looks like Joey is singing. I do this at parties. My second favorite punk band is Nirvana. You've probably never heard of them.


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