Hello, my name is Carl and I love mowing my lawn.
Hello, my name is Carl and I love mowing. We should hang out sometime. Between 6.30pm and 7pm works best for me. We can sit outside and look at my lawn if it’s not too cold. Maybe bring a light jacket just in case. And a chair.
People often ask me, “Carl, what’s the best time of the day to mow the lawn?” which is a silly question as most ride-on lawnmowers these days have headlights. I like to start mowing around four in the morning, have a little break for lunch, then mow until six-thirty each evening. Sometimes I’ll skip lunch altogether, or have a sandwich on the mower.

When I’m mowing, I like to pretend I’m riding a horse.

One of the many benefits to mowing all day is the social interaction with neighbors. I’ve cut a path to all their yards and I carry a tape measure with me at all times so I can check their tree branches aren’t overhanging the borderline. I own a gun and I’m not afraid to protect my property.
I like to wave to the neighbors as they drive past. Sometimes they’ll stop their car and say, “Hello Carl, your lawn’s looking great,” and I reply, “Thank you, the trick is to cut it on the second highest setting and fertilize twice a year. What are you doing tonight between six-thirty and seven?”
I don’t wave to Negroes though, I’ve seen them drive past slowly, checking out my brass hose fittings.
I once killed a man with a crossbow.
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