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Bill's guide to the internet.

Hello, my name is Bill and welcome to my guide to the internet. Basically, everything on the internet is rubbish but I will try to pinpoint the main areas to avoid.
The internet is full of idiots writing rubbish for other idiots to read. If I want to find something out I will ask someone or read a book. I paid over three thousand dollars for my complete leather bound set of Funk & Wagnalls in 1967 and if it is not in there then it is not worth knowing. Also, man will walk on the moon before I have a facebook page.


Google

When I was young and I wanted to know something, I was beaten for being too inquisitive. That's the problem with the young people today, they have a google answer for everything. If they had to walk to their local library every time they had something stupid to ask they would ask a lot less stupid questions.

Google Images

Google Images is useless. I used it once to search for a photo of farm equipment and it showed me twenty thousand pictures of horse dicks.

Blogging

I read a blog once by someone who had bought a scarf and he went on for about three hundred paragraphs about his scarf and where he bought it and how it made him feel. The last time I bought a scarf I wore it. End of story. I didn't write a novel about it.

Chatrooms

If I wanted to chat with strangers, I would pick up the phone and press random numbers. I tried a chatroom once and was talking to guy who claimed he was an obese fifty three year old man living in a caravan park but there is no way of knowing if these people are telling the truth.

Twitter

Why would I want anybody I don't know knowing what I am doing? I don't yell out to everyone in the supermarket "I am buying oranges" so why would I want to do it on my internet? When I was young, I lived in a small village where everybody knew each other and knew what everyone was up to. There was a fat italian kid who lived next door to me named Tony. One day I shot him in the leg with a home made bow & arrow from my treehouse that overlooked his yard and his parents called the police. Within hours the entire village was calling me William Tell. Having escaped the small town mentality for the last fifty two years, I am hardly going to advertise my movements now.

The Bath Mat

I realise this is not internet related but I cannot understand why it is so hard for people to hang the bath mat over the bath when they are finished using it. I don't leave the mat all soggy for other people to walk on after I have been in there.

Facebook

I have a photo album on my bookshelf full of faces of people I know which I haven't opened since 1982 so why would I want their faces on my internet? None of them are even very good looking. I tried facebook to see what all the fuss was about and was only on there five minutes before some idiot poked me. It is easy to be brave when you are on the internet.

Reddit / Digg

These sites are the online equivalent of walking down the street, finding a rock shaped like a frog and holding it up in the air while yelling for all my neighbours to come out and tell me what they think of my frog shaped rock. My neighbours can all go to hell. Especially Mrs Carter in number three who leaves her bins out all week. If I did find a rock shaped like a frog, I would throw it at her cat.

eBay

If I wanted a house full of cheap, dirty, second hand rubbish, I would go to a garage sale in Klemzig.

Email

People are always sending me all kinds of rubbish. Why would I want dozens of pictures of lots of love cats? I hate cats. I went away for a week recently and when I got back and checked my email, I had eight hundred and forty three messages. Eight hundred and forty of these were adverts for viagra and the other three were pictures of lots of love cats. I bought a 'no junk mail' sticker and stuck it on my modem but nobody has taken any notice.

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I spent a good hour on this site and still have no idea what it is for. All I could work out is that I am apparently a newfag and cannot triforce but am unsure as to why I would need to triforce in the first place. I asked some of the people on there for their advice regarding triforcing but the only answer I seemed to get was 'nigger'.


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