Articles

One thousand characters

Writing rubbish on the internet amuses me a lot. There is often a limit of 1000 characters per post so every story (including punctuation, spaces, introduction, proposal, argument and punch line) has to be within a small paragraph.
Sometimes I just write nonsense and other times I make up something insensitive to evoke angry responses:
When I was just fourteen, I was given the task of drowning kittens by my girlfriend's mother. I filled a large laundry sink with room temperature water and held the eight kittens under. As each kitten died and sank to the bottom, it turned and rested 'snuggled' to the previous. I put them in a garbage bag and was carrying it out when the bag moved and I heard a meow. I opened the bag and found one kitten had survived. So I drowned it again.
And that is an exact one thousand.


Sharks

My offspring wanted "scuba gear" for his birthday. Thats all he wanted. I am not letting him swim off by himself to be taken for a baby seal by a great white and I will be fucked if I am going in there with him to be taken for an old skinny seal by a great white. When I explained to him that scuba gear is only for the sea and he, being such a small human, would be taken for a baby seal by a great white, he stated that he would see them coming because of the mask and added 'speargun' and 'knife' to his birthday list.

Cats

I promised to look after a friends cat for the week. My place has a glass atrium that goes through two levels, I have put the cat in there with enough food and water to last the week. I am looking forward to the end of the week. It is just sitting there glaring at me, it doesn't do anything else. I can tell it would like to kill me. If I knew I could get a perfect replacement cat, I would kill this one now and replace it Friday afternoon. As we sit here glaring at each other I have already worked out several ways to kill it.
The simplest would be to drop heavy items on it from the upstairs bedroom though I have enough basic engineering knowledge to assume that I could build some form of 'spear like' projectile device from parts in the downstairs shed. If the atrium was waterproof, the most entertaining would be to flood it with water. It wouldn't have to be that deep, just deeper than the cat.
I don't know how long cats can swim but I doubt it would be for a whole week. If it kept the swimming up for too long I could always try dropping things on it as well. I have read that drowning is one of the most peaceful ways to die so really it would be a win win situation for me and the cat I think.

Tampons

My offspring's birthday is next week. Last birthday, I told him to draw pictures of what he wanted as a visual list. When I inquired as to one image (which I first took to be a box of coloured crayons), I deciphered his explanations as it being tampons. In particular, the multicoloured brand. His only references to the product were the adverts featuring a girl jumping out of a window onto a tree which lowered her into a bmw convertible full of friends, an electric green street racing car with black flames and the ability to do a single handed handstand star-jump on a dance machine to crowd applause.
I bought him a box and figured he would work it out. Yesterday I asked him what he wants for his birthday and he replied 'not tampons'.

Riddick

While watching the movie 'Chronicles of Riddick' together last night, my offspring stated that he wished Riddick was his dad. When I asked why, he replied that Riddick is good looking, has muscles and is a good fighter. I told him that I wished Matthew (his arch-enemy at school) was my son because he is better at maths and has cool hair.

Girls That have said no Part 1

Around the time I was twelve, my sister had really hot friends staying over. I would dress in ninja gear and wriggle 'saving private ryan beach commando style' into her bedroom and listen to their conversations. Some were educational, most were inane. A few months ago, I was standing in a cd store and a girl came up to me and said "Are you David?" to which I replied "It depends" (and immediately regretted as I knew that if she asked me 'depends on what', I had nothing). The fear must have shown because she asked "Depends on what?" and I replied like a retard "On whether it is on or off the record, I have been misquoted by you people before." and she looked at me as if I was a retard before telling me that she had been a friend of my sisters and remembered me and then actually asked "Are you still annoying?" so I asked her if she still "squeezed her nipples while thinking about kissing Michael Wilson". After a pretty long pause I asked her out but she said no.

Superconductors

If you take the temperature of a superconductor down to absolute zero (around minus 273.1 centigrade), it ignores gravity and floats. This is a scientific fact and you are welcome to check - google or youtube it. My 9yo son asked why we couldn't freeze a car to -273C and fly in it and I told him that the car would neutralise gravity, not reverse it and the weight of the people in it would make it sink. Also, heat rises so -273C should really sink unless it was in a vacuum which means we wouldn't be able to breath or hear the stereo. You would also need to rug up well.

Anhus Street

A street I drive past every day is called 'Anhus Street' and is very distracting. Every few weeks, someone (I am assuming a kid) spraypaints out the 'h' making it read anus and then a few days later, someone (I am assuming an elderly street resident) paints the 'h' back in. If I was boss of the world I would change that street name legally to anus street to annoy both of them.

Girls That have said no Part 2

At the local swimming pool canteen, not realising until afterwards that my penis was caught in the elastic of my swimming shorts with the tip sticking out, I purchased a packet of twisties and a can of coke before asking out the girl who served me but she said no.

Parking spot

A few weeks ago, some guy in a shitty bmw parked in my 'reserved and paid for' parking spot in a small lot. I printed out an A4 (helvetica demi bold 12pt) note stating that this was a paid for parking spot and not to park there again. A couple of days later he parked there again. I printed out an A3 (helvetica black 42pt) sign stating 'Reserved Parking, Do not park here' sign and used spray adhesive (3M®) to mount it on the wall in front of my spot. When I went to park in my spot the next day he had written in texta, after "Reserved Parking', the words 'For Wankers'. About three days later I saw his car parked in the street so I printed out a poster in A2 (helvetica black, 92pt, reversed) with the word 'Fuckhead' and applied it with spray adhesive to his windscreen, ensuring (as per instructions) I sprayed both materials to be bonded. The disadvantage of course is that I am too scared to park in my spot but he is also too scared to park there so I will class this as a draw for the moment and find a new spot.

Dreams

I hate it when people tell me "I had a weird dream last night...". I dont care, it didn't really happen and it is going to be boring. Just because you dreamt it doesn't make it interesting to anyone. I knew someone who told me a dream and it went on for about twenty minutes. That is nineteen minutes and sixty seconds longer than I have to care about something that didn't really happen. Another time she was telling me about a dream her auntie had, so not only was I listening to something that didn't really happen, I was listening to something that didn't really happen to someone I didn't even know. I glass over and my mind wanders after the words "I had a weird dream last night..." so it is just a waste of everyones time. The statement she made, "If you cared about me you would be interested in my dreams", I will put down to the fact that she was an idiot and possibly slightly crazy because she owned more than two cats.

My Confession

When I was in year ten, I would wag school to catch the bus into the city. I would hide the contents of my schoolbag and go to a christian book store called the 'Open Book', covering two levels and a second hand section in the basement. I would go in with my empty bag, select expensive theological volumes, and fill my bag with several hundred dollars worth. I would then use the toilets to remove any price tags before going downstairs to the basement where they would buy my books for half the retail price. I did this twice a week. I figured that if they caught me I would cry and ask for their forgiveness and as christians they would have let me go but they never caught on. I remember one person buying the entire Amy Grant tape collection when it had been on the shelves not ten minutes before. I was saving for a motorbike and bought a Suzuki Katana. The 'Open Book' went broke a year later so it worked out well for everyone.

Girls That have said no Part 3

While working at a horse riding camp several years ago, I spent a good twenty minutes explaining to a group, which consisted of twelve children and their young teacher, the importance of horse safety before walking behind a horse and being kicked in the head. I recall only walking in a zigag back to the house with the muffled sounds of children screaming in the background before collapsing and waking up in hospital. While I was there, with a fractured skull, the teacher bought me in a get well soon card signed by all the children so I asked her out but she said no.

Toys'R'us

Having spent over an hour walking through toys 'r' us considering gift options for my eight year old offspring, here is a brief list of things I would buy and play with myself if they came in adult sizes;
Ninja costume
Star Wars® Stormtrooper® costume
Remote controlled 'Aerohawk®' twin blade helicopter
Blue Power Ranger® costume
Blow up Wading Pool with palm tree and slippery dip
Electronic Dance Mat for Playstation®
Pink Power Ranger® costume

ebay

I bought a real dinosaurs tooth fossil recently, with invoice & note of authenticity, as it is something I have always wanted. There is a quarry a short drive away that my 9yo son and I go to and explore sometimes. When we went there last, I suggested we dig for fossils and miraculously 'found' the dinosaur tooth (thinking it would be a big deal to him) but he stated 'No, it's just a rock'. When I swore I was positive that it is was a 'saurischian tooth from the mesozoic era', he replied that I had "made that up" and for me to "throw it away". I cannot prove to him that it is a real dinosaur tooth without divulging the invoice and he is never seeing that as I would have to explain why I didn't buy a playstation 3 instead of a 70 million yo fossil. Occasionally he picks it up and gives me a disdaining look. Also, I bought some NASA mission badges a while back off ebay. He asked me if they had been in space and I had to admit that they hadn't and he stated "Well that's just weak then".

Girls That have said no Part 5

While I was in a electronics store called Jaycar buying something with blinking lights, a girl approached and asked me a question concerning which network cable would be suitable for her needs. Wanting to appear helpful, I found a large selection of cables and listed the benefits of each. After she explained that the cable needed to be long enough to reach from her neighbours house to hers as her neighbour had offered to share their broadband, I laughed and told her that was the 'stupidest thing I have ever heard and did not know if the store had cables that long' so she asked "Well, can I speak to someone else then?". I looked blank before realising that I was wearing a blue shirt the same colour as the staff that worked there and the whole time I had been helping her she had assumed that I was an employee. After explaining to her that I did not work there and denying that I had been pretending to do so, I asked her out but she said no.

Wave Patterns

If a rocket was projected as a wave pattern, setting up harmonics such that they reconstitute the original relationship at another point of space/time, any variations could be sorted by a 'key' included to ensure the reconstruction was identical. If so, a flight to our nearest star, being only four and half light years away, would effectively only take 4.5 years. Harmonic travel is impossible and I am making it up as I go along but if we did land on new planets, I would like there to be sexy girl aliens.

Girls That have said no Part 6

Around the corner from my place is a 24 hour petrol station thing that I buy what little products I require that don't come in a can (milk) and feed my car (my car is very thirsty and is like having another child in that it is demanding, expensive and problematic. It would be a pretty big child, and made of metal but that is not the point). The point is that a girl started working there and I thought she was really nice but she would serve me and not speak or make eye contact so I asked her if she had a 'carfor'' and she asked me "what's a carfor" to which I replied "driving around in when I am not paying ninety two dollars to feed it" and she laughed in a very strange manner and went back to what looked like counting in binary in her head. After some small talk (which on hindsight she may have taken as admonishing her on the poor choice of video's they sold), I asked her out but she said no.

Spiderman 3

I can get by the escaped convict falling into an open air particle accelerator (we have one in the vacant lot next door and I am always telling my 8 year old to stop playing near it), I can even get by the space slime landing coincidently metres from Peter and jumping on his bike... What I cant get past is Mary Jane. What a fucking bitch. In the first movie she is letting the school bully do her, then she lets the rich guy, then Peter has a turn. In the second movie she goes through about eighteen different guys before abandoning her big expensive wedding after realising Peter is spiderman. In the third film I think she does about sixty guys and whinges a lot about peter saving lives instead of coming to the theatre to watch her crap acting. Why does he put up with her? It makes no sense and is the one glaring discrepancy in an otherwise completely scientifically believable movie.

Girls That have said no Part 7

A lady (aged one hundred and ninety) at the counter at Myers in front of me yelled "My purse" then looked at me and proclaimed "You took my purse" so I said "yes, I took your purse, I collect them." and she started yelling at me and the department manager came over and I had to explain that I was not admitting to the theft, I was being sarcastic. Her purse ended up in one of the many bags she was carrying but she continued to glare at me without so much as an apology. When the girl served me she apologised and I asked her "Why, did you arrange someone to act like an old crazy woman for me?" and she laughed and said that I was funny so I asked her out but she said no.


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